Friday, April 29, 2005

No Post today

Work is waaaay too busy, so there will be absolutely no post of any kind today.

Dang it..

Well, since we're all here... As if I’m not already far enough behind on “Ominous Signs at the Periphery” and answering all “ask Shayne” e-mail I’m getting, I will soon introduce to more special programs to “I’ve Come to Save the World From Me.”

I promise I’m not just adding these, because I love what some people refer to as “quotation marks.”

Soon, I’ll start “The Weekly Hangdog” and “The Monthly or So Buddha.”

Until then, stay right where.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Suicidal pigeon

So, I’m driving to work Tuesday morning. I drive to work nearly every Tuesday morning, as well as most other mornings between Monday and Friday, so there wasn’t much interesting about this particular drive. At least not at first.

If you have ever driven (drove? Ask
Shayne) in rural areas, and don’t live in rural areas, you know how tense you get when a farm dog starts running along very close to your car and barking at your wheels. I think dogs may hate things that spin. I think that is why they chase their tales. But I digress. You like digress, don’t you? I did it again. You fear the dog is going to get too close, and you’re going to run over it.

After years of dogs running along your car and barking at your tires, you gain comfort in knowing that the dog will probably not stop barking at your wheels for the greener pastures of barking at your radiator.

Squirrels are different though. So are cats. I think cats erroneously expect the whole world to revolve around them. Thus, they think that all oncoming drivers will do their best to avoid cats sashaying across the street. Squirrels are just nuts. (Sorry.)

What about birds? Don’t birds always hop onto the road for a quick bite of over-presumptuous cat or slow squirrel or tumble popcorns? And they always, ALWAYS fly away just before the car gets to them.

Don’t birds do that? ALWAYS! Every bird I’ve ever seen in every road my entire life has taken flight before being hit, usually with seconds to spare.

That’s what I thought too.

Tuesday morning, one pigeon in Texas didn’t fly away in time. I heard the sickening thump on the front of my car. I’m a bird killer. I can’t get than thump out my mind. It just keeps ringing eerily and thumpily over and over and over. Should I say and over one more time? I think I won’t.

And over. I did it anyway! Take that, evil doer!

What was I saying?

Ahhhh yes, I was just about to tell you about this crazy lady at work…

Ominous Signs at the Periphery IV

From March 23, 2005

Oil around $60, Commodities at 20 year highs, Gold at $440 and a crashing dollar and now the FED admits the inflation picture is troubling them..What a JOKE of a central bank...I feel sorry for those left holding the bag w/ all these bubbles floating around. I smell a Japan like deflation epicode once housing FINALLY cracks. Good luck.

Fed signals concern on inflation
By Andrew Balls in Washington
Published: March 22 2005 14:05 Last updated: March 22 2005 19:17

The US Federal Reserve on Tuesday signalled increased concern about inflation, as it again raised interest rates by a quarter point to 2.75 per cent.

The rise was widely expected, and the policymaking Federal Open Market Committee said it expected to continue raising rates at a “measured” pace, generally interpreted to mean quarter point increases.

But the central bank held out the possibility that it might have to move more aggressively to curb inflationary pressures, or at least to continue with quarter-point increases for longer than investors had been expecting.

“Though longer-term inflation expectations remain well contained, pressures on inflation have picked up in recent months and pricing power is more evident,” the statement said.

The FOMC said it saw the risks to growth and inflation as roughly equal. But, in contrast to its statement in January, it made clear that this judgment was based on “appropriate monetary policy action”.

Fed starts to look less less friendly

Quotable"Every previous major bear market has been accompanied by a bear market in home prices… A home price decline of as little as 20% would put a lot of people in bankruptcy."- John John Templeton, Equities Magazine, July 2003

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I've Come to Save the Weedeater.

Dear, Shayne.

Is the past-tense of "weed-eat" actually weed-ate? Or weed-eated? And you can't go with "weed-whacked" or "had weed-eaten" because that is a copout.

That is an very good the asked question, my dear The Question Asking Person of beautiful blue planet.

This is a very easy one for me, since I have all the answers as well as some correct answers. This, I can tell you without the slightest trace of ambivalence, is one of those.

You can not use “weedate.” Nor can you use “weedated.” Either would sound as if you have an usually strong fondness for your lawn equipment. Although there are some girls with less personality than weed-eaters who may say “weedated.” I vehemently deny all accusations as their attempt to ride the coat-tails of the fame which I have attained in spite of them..

The correct past tense is “weed-eated,” as in “I weed-eated the yard yesterday with my weed-eater.”

I consulted my wife, who is a very lovedear and Australian to me, on this issue. She said that all of those are incorrect. You would not have weed-eated the yard with your weed-eater. You would have “whippersnipped” the garden with your “whippersnipper.”

Either is probably acceptable without fear of copout . It may boil down to the where from which you are from, if not others.

Incidentally, this Q&A obviously begs the question, so good luck with your how out there!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Ominous Signs at the Periphery III

From 3/22/2005

The U.S. Dollar's Days as the World's Reserve Currency are Numbered
March 22, 2005
Peter Schiff is C.E.O. and Chief Global Strategist at Euro Pacific Capital, Inc.

In the 20th Century, the U.S. dollar became the world's reserve currency because it was the coin of the world's leading economy. In the “Bizzaro” 21st Century economy, this causality has reversed. Today, the primary reason the U.S. remains the world's leading economy is because the dollar still serves as the reserve currency. However, if market fundamentals can ever manage to re-assert themselves, this is a reality that can, and indeed must, change.

In the past, foreign citizens accumulated U.S. dollars so they could purchase American-made goods. Today, foreign central banks accumulate dollars so that Americans can purchase foreign-made goods. In the past, profits from her exports allowed America to become the world's greatest lender. Today, in order to fund her gargantuan trade deficit, America has become the world's greatest borrower. The dollar's reserve currency status allows “rich” Americans to continuously borrow what “poor” foreigners save, and consume what foreigners produce. Without such status, America's consumption would be limited by its own production, and its borrowing confined by its domestic savings. In such a world, Americans would have a standard of living far lower than the one currently enjoyed.

The U.S. dollar index, which has fallen over 30% in three years, rose for the first week in five, after ending last week within 2% of its all time record low set back in 1992. With the dollar's technical and fundamental outlook deteriorating, a test of those lows is imminent. A significant break below this long term support could send the dollar tumbling. Without considerable, coordinated, global central bank intervention, the dollar's value could be halved. Even if massive, unprecedented intervention is successful, its effects will be temporary at best. This looming dollar crisis cannot be prevented, only delayed, and only at the expense of exacerbating the collapse.

The dollar was originally accepted as the world's reserve currency mainly because America flooded the world with low-cost, high-quality manufactured goods (being convertible into gold also helped). In America, the words "it’s imported" were synonymous with "it’s expensive." If a product malfunctioned, a common expression was "it must have been made in Japan." In fact, the Japanese had such a hard time overcoming this stereotype that they actually name a city in Japan, USA, so they could label their product "made in USA." Today the exact opposite is true, as imports are inexpensive, while domestically produced products are high cost. Japanese manufactures now enjoy the reputation for quality that American manufactures lost.

The main reason America was so competitive was that it had a comparative advantage in freedom. American business incurred lower taxes and faced fewer regulations than business in any other country. Further, Americans themselves were among the world’s most frugal, with high domestic savings financing capital investments. Limited government and high savings combined to allow American business to pay the highest wages in the world while still producing the least expensive products. Today America is just as highly-taxed and regulated as most other countries, and more so than many, and Americans themselves are now among the world's most profligate.

For a time, America has been able make up for its lack of exports by offering its trading partners the promise of greater financial returns on their dollars investments. However, since America now has the lowest real interest rates in the world (they are, in fact, negative) and the most over-valued stock and real estate markets, private foreign investors have no compelling reason to accumulate dollars. Not surprisingly, the principal buyers have been foreign central banks, who after all are spending taxpayer's money. There can be no question that panicked foreign central banks, which bow to political expedience, not rational self-interest, are the buyers of last resort, and that the dollar's days as the world's reserve currency are numbered.

The main reason that the US dollar is still the world's reserve currency is that few understand how completely the fabric of the American economy has been rewoven. In fact, the US economy functions in a manner which would be completely impossible were it subject to normal market forces. However, by issuing the world's reserve currency, it has been immune to these forces, and thus its economy has evolved in a most unnatural way. Recent trial balloons launched by various Asian central banks, concerning diversifying their foreign exchange reserves; indicate that the dollar's reserve currency status may already be at risk. Once that status is lost, the process of returning to economic viability will be quite painful, and will involve substantial austerity from both the US government and its citizens. Whether America is up to the task still remains to be seen, and though I am skeptical, I nevertheless remain hopeful.

Monday, April 25, 2005

My first review?

I THINK I got myfrist review Friday! I'm just not smart enough to know for sure. Check out the comment from 'Thought & Humor'!

I've Come to Save the World From Me!: Ominous Signs at the Periphery II

I did see the words "riveting" and "Harvard," so I think I am probably The Very and The Good!

Either way, I'd like to thank "Thought and Humor" for being thoughtful enough and humorous enough to complement the Me. Since no one else does. I hate all of you. Just kidding. I love both of you...I guess now I can say I love all three of you.

Now. Where are the rest of you? Who else will compliment me? Rise above the masses of Ye! That's it. Rise above the masses of Yeast!

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Great Urinal Crisis of 2005

One of the Men’s rooms where I work has four urinals. The third urinal from the left (second from the right for you Euros) is some sort of kid’s urinal or something. It is really low and doesn’t have the wall things on the side, so as with a narrow ledge on a high mountain wall, there is too much exposure. Thus, no one wants to use it. We’re pretty much stuck with urinals 1, 2 and 4.

As you may or may not know, men are not allowed to use urinals next to one another. Only every other urinal may be occupied. If you enter the men’s room and urinal 1 is in use, you go to 3 or 4. If you enter the men’s room and 1 and 3—or 2 and 4—are occupied, you have use a stall or find another men’s room. I don’t know anyone else has thought this through, but this means that half the world’s urinals remain unused. And we thought global warming was a problem.

I don’t know why that is how it is. That is just how it is.

In the particular men’s room, urinal 4 (urinal 1 if you’re a Democrat) is out of order. At least I think it’s out of order. It is wrapped in clear plastic. I’m not gonna try it. That leaves us with urinals 1 through 3 that work, and as we discussed above, every fears the mini urinal.

So in that men’s room, we’ve really only got one usable urinal. I’d say that’s around 25% efficiency. Think they’d let me get away with 25%? They’d can my a**. No pun intended.

There you have the Great Urinal Crisis.

Pea free, world!

Ominous Signs at the Periphery II

From 3/16/2005

Realize that the GM plant in Arlington only makes SUV's and Trucks. This company CAN easily go BK, as it has 300BBBBillion in debt that trades like junk bonds....As analyst we must look for signs at the periphery of a cratering economy to beat the masses at trading...We will continue to follow the anecdotal evidence that the US "House of Cards" is about to come crashing down. Good Luck.

GM Shares Drop on Lower Profit Outlook
Wednesday March 16, 9:44 am ET
General Motors Shares Skid After Co. Lowers Its Earnings Guidance on Weak N. American Sales

DETROIT (AP) -- General Motors Corp. sharply lowered its earnings guidance Wednesday, citing lower North American sales and production volumes and a tougher pricing environment. Its shares skidded 12 percent lower in early trading.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Doctor is In

I read many blogs. I see lots of questions. I’ve learned that someone asking a question does not mean they want an answer. Sometimes they just ask.

Since I’ve come to save the world, I am offering this service to the world. I am your new advise guy person. (That's right. That's what I said.) It will comfort you to know that I am always right. I thought I was wrong once, and that turned out to be it.

Ask away. Just email me or post an anonymous comment. If you’re not a big scaredie-cat, then post a non-anonymous question. In a couple days, I’ll post your dilemma and my advice. This way, I not only save you, but I help the world.

The doctor is out.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ominous Signs at the Periphery

A very shrewd friend of mine follows our economy very closely. For the past month or so, he has been sending us info that points to some rough times ahead. "Who is 'us'," you ask? Well, I could ask you the same question. My friend refers to these bits of info; these peices of evidence; these, what we in the economic world like to call, "economic indicators"; as "Ominous Signs at the Periphery." That's what I will call them, because I can't think of anything better.

I should have been doing this all along, but I slack. I slack real hard and good, and I slack often. As another step towards saving the world, I will start sharing this information with you, dear reader of “I’ve Come to Save the World From Me.”

I’ve got too much slacking to do now though, so I’ll start tomorrow or the next day…to make sure you have plenty of time to prepare. I’ll update every couple days, starting with his older e-mails, and we’ll do our best to catch up. Mmmm….ketchup.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Getting to Know You

I got this off of Sara’s blog who got it off of Becca's blog. I bet Jay and Scott will get it off my blog. The important thing is that we all get it off somewhere. Sara took out some that were dumb. That makes me sad, because dumb is my favorite monkey salad.

1. First Name: Don’t mind if I do!
2. Were you named after anyone? I was named after a garage door named Mikie.
3. Do you wish on stars? No, it gives me gas.
4. When did you last cry? Right now. I hate this.
5. Do you like your handwriting? It’s my favorite time of year!
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Sardines.
7. What is your date of birth?: I’ll let you know when I get out.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD?: Durango Brothers.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? : Only if I let me be myself around me.
10. Are you a daredevil? Only if it involves fire and monkeys and nobody gets hurt.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, especially the sardine.
12. Do looks matter? It really doesn’t matter whether or not looks matter.
13. How do you release anger? I’m ambidextrous, and I’m not really sure who “you” is.
14. Where is your second home? San Juan National Forest.
15. Do you trust others easily? Who wants to know? Why do you ask? Where did you get this number? I’m not really who you claim I am.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? I always really loved—and still do love—tinkering with the fabric of time, even though it can make me feel kinda cheap.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? All of us truly intelligent types are viciously sarcastic, so are Aussies.
20. What are your nicknames? I’ve been know us up to, but not all inclusive, from most recent back: El Guapo, Shayne the Mono, President Lincoln of Constantinople, Jim and Stinky Nappy. 21. What is a name nobody should ever call you? Universe.
22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? It depends on what type of mood they are in. Sometimes they kick me like a gravy.
23. Do you think that you are strong? I won’t claim to be or to not be strong, but I will tell you this. I’ve strong or not strong sometimes. Sometimes, other times.
24. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?: Who screamed?
25. Shoe Size? I’d rather not, thank you.
26. Red or pink? I definitely prefer red, but I very whitish shade of red.
27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I really really hate the fact that there is nothing about me to hate. Not even hate.
28. Who and/or what do you miss most?: The thing I miss most about most is mostly the misty moss. I like German pancakes though.
30. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? They’re sort of a skinnish no-pant color. Hey! My pants are gone!!
31. What are you listening to right now? The sound of my heart beat next to mine.
32. What is something you hate? Hate is such a strong word. See question 17.
33. If you were a color what would you be? A giraffe!
34. What is the weather like right now? It just stopped raining. It reminds me of Christmas, only more rainier.
35. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jim Morrison
36. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? How funny it is when she trips or bumps into something while staring at me.
38. Favorite Drink? Pizza
40.where would you like to be right now? In my stomach with a pinch of race car and a planet of the apes.
41. Eye Color? Well since you put it that way!
42. Do you wear contacts? No. I just keep them in my contacts list and never contact them. Ever.
43. Favorite food: Beer or tequila. If I could drink again. If only I could drink again.
44. Last Movie You Watched? House of Wax. Vincent Price looks like a guy at work.
45. Favorite Day Of The Year? Day before yesterday, one year from now.
46. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? I like scary happy endings where everybody dies except Earth!
47. Summer Or Winter? How about later?
48. Hugs or Kisses? It depends on whether or not he or she is my wife.
49. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Guadalupe.
52. Living arrangements? Mostly upstairs and downstairs.
53. What Books Are You Reading? I can't read or write.
54. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Some cheese and coffee.
55. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I think it was a show about a really bad snow storm or some burning corn flakes.
56. Favorite Smells? Mowing grass,then pouring beer and cheese all over the mower and setting it on fire. It smells like happy.
57. Favorite Sounds? My ears hearing things.
58. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.
60. What's the farthest you've been from home? Work.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Work is stupid

It keeps me from not working.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Shoot the caller.. pt 2

Paul Harvey must have the day off, so let's go to Jay for the rest of the story...

Jay's Meaningful And Sometimes Thoughtless Thoughts: Shoot the caller.. pt 2

How's it be, Jay?

Shoot the caller..

Dateline Watauga, TX. Precious few miles from me.

Monday night, an apparent waste of flesh and bones named Lori in Watauga, TX decided to waste my tax dollars and call 911 because her 12- and 14-year-old daughters were fighting.

Maybe she doesn’t completely understand the concept of EMERGENCY. Maybe she’s just an idiot. I’m going with the latter.

The younger of the two Watauga brats had kicked a hole in a door. Here is the transcript of what followed:

CALLER: The 12-year-old is completely out of control, and I can’t—physically… She’s as big as I am. I can’t control her

DISPATCHER: Okay, did you want us to come over and shoot her?

[several moments of silence]

CALLER: Excuse me?

DISPATCHER: That’s a joke.

Dare I say genius? The remark itself isn’t great, but the context makes it genius. Let us all take a moment to lift our glasses in salute and extol the greatness of Mike Forbess.

I guess that since they were at home instead of at Walmart, Lori was unable to beat her kids.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Don’t Not Be Gay if You Are

I know someone who is gay and hasn’t admitted it to him/herself. To protect this person’s identity, I’m not going to tell you which Andy it is. We’ll just let the two of them fight it out.

You should just be who you are. It is very tough being what you are not. Very stressful. It IS easier if you can find a place to be around others with identity crises. Since there is no Church of the Closet Homosexual, they can’t all get together and not be what they are.

When you try to be something you’re not, you end up feeling guilty, unhappy, bitter and discontent. This isn’t just an issue with closet homosexuals though. Everyone wants to be rich and/or famous, so they do things to convince everyone they are. All it leads to are terrible things like debt and political correctness.

I’ll never forget the sign I saw in the bathroom of El Hacienda Ranch restaurant in Frisco, TX. “Be what you is. If you don’t, they sho nuff gonna find out what you ain’t.”

Monday, April 11, 2005

T-Shirt of the Week!

“I’m not worthless. I can be used as a bad example.”

Friday, April 08, 2005

He ain't Kinky. He's my Governor

Subject: Get Kinky in 2006
From: "Kinky Friedman"
Date: Mon, March 28, 2005 3:02 pm

Please forward this email on to your friends and family and tell them that you're supporting my Independent Campaign for Governor. Ask them to sign up to restore real representation to the Texas Governor's office here:

Current Texas election laws make it nearly impossible for a non-party candidate to get on the ballot. Perhaps this explains why only 25 percent of eligible Texas voters participated in the last gubernatorial election. The career politicians are keeping the elevator at the penthouse floor and not sending it down for the rest of us.

Texas was founded by independent, courageous, honorable citizens. The last great Independent elected governor of Texas was Sam Houston, over a hundred and fifty years ago. Texas needs a strong independent voice, if it is ever to regain its greatness. If you elect me, I'll be the first Governor in Texas history with a listed phone number.

Please spread the word, we're just getting started.

Thank you,

Kinky Friedman

The young people of Texas are our future, and we must treat them assuch. They are our number one resource for that future. The currentgovernment seems to prefer band-aids over solid planning for the next generations of Texas. A Texas revolution is needed in our school systems. "No teacher left behind" - Kinky Friedman

Texas is #1 in drop out rates and #48 in education spending. Our children deserve so much more. Texas is also 48th in per capita child protection expenditures, as well as 49th in general, 46th in mental health, 45th in public health, 49th in state art agency, 44th in highway, and 49th in water quality expenditures. The Austin American-Statesman is correct: "It's Texas vs. Mississippi in a race to the bottom."

Teachers are Kinky's heroes, along with police, soldiers, firefighters, and cowboys. Each of us remembers a teacher who made an impact on and changed our lives for the better. Kinky intends to identify these special people and seek their advice in creating a vibrant, responsive and forward-looking education system for Texas."Politicans appear to be more interested in French cuffs than solving our problems." – Kinky Friedman

Kinky will create an in-state volunteer agency, modeled after the Peace Corps, in which he served, to promote the arts and life skills in Texas schools. Musicians and artists, along with retired teachers, business executives, and police, will join us in teaching our kids how to act, play music, paint, write a check, keep accounts, and stay out of trouble. Kinky will ask his friends, including Laura Bush, Willie Nelson, Richard `Racehorse' Haynes, and former UT Coach Darrell Royal, to lead this effort. "Never say **** in front of a c-h-i-l-d." – KinkyFriedman

Kinky is not anti-death penalty, just opposed to executing the wrong person! DNA has released dozens of improperly convicted people from death rows all over America. We've learned that juries and testimony are not infallible. There are cases in which the death penalty is warranted, but there is no disputing the obvious: Texas executes people who may be innocent. Taking a life is a grave responsibility -no pun intended. Two thousand years ago an innocent man named Jesus Christ, was executed; Kinky's question is: "What have we learned in two thousand years?"
Texas law does not currently provide for a life without the possibility of parole. Judges and juries must either send someone to death row or risk having them eventually released due to good behavioror prison overcrowding. Kinky will change that with the stroke of a pen. Repeat and/or violent criminals deserve permanent homes, which Kinky will be happy to provide.

NEW ENERGY: Kinky To Make Texas #1 Again
For decades, Texas was #1 in US oil and gas exploration. It once evenled the world! Texas can reclaim its role as world leader in newenergy production with alternative solutions. Kinky is our `energizer' candidate.

WILLIE AND KINKY: Bio-Diesel Buddies
Bio-diesel fuel powers Willie Nelson's famous bus, the Honeysuckle Rose. Bio-diesel, eco-friendly and produced from agricultural products– even reclaimed frying grease - is a first step in the right direction. Willie will work with Kinky in promoting and developing bio-diesel and all of Texas' vast, untapped, environmentally friendly resources. Currently, we're using this fuel source for landfill. Surely, pulling a rutabaga out of the ground is more cost-effective than drilling a two-mile-deep hole in the sand. "How hard could it be?" - Kinky Friedman.

Political correctness must be abolished. Texans need to be told the truth. Texans do not need opaque, carefully scripted press releases.."A man oughtta be able to light his cigar once in a while." – KinkyFriedman

Our icons are being demeaned. Cowboys are no longer heroes for our children, but subject to derision. We are being laughed at instead of respected in the rest of the country. What has happened to our glorious heritage? This is the great state of Texas! We are not wusses, we are Texans. "We will beat back the wussification of Texas if we have to do it one wuss at a time." - Kinky Friedman.


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Shayne Hater

Check out Blanca's Adventure Blog...

Blanca's Adventure Blog

So much venom towards the Shayne and Jay. Very good though. Blanca may be a genius! IF that is his REAL name!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Trips, Baby. Captain Trips

I have an annoucement to make to all of my readers. Both of you. I was really sick last week, so I haven't posted here in what may seem to many or both of you like forever. Let me just sat that. And Also.

I will get back to you with more after later happens... On that, you can.