Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Total Eclipse of the Sun

I just read on MSN that sometime today a Total Eclipse of the sun is going to strike Mildred.

Are you prepared for this invasion? I had hoped for more time to stockpile bottled water and build my immune system. If I had know it were striking so soon, I would have got an Eclipse shot.

From what I understand, this particular Total Eclipse of the sun is not only extremely powerful, but it has an unending source of energy. Yes. It is completely Solar Powered. This is far worse than I ever feared.

Have you seen ads for “Basis Instinct 2?” Sharon Stone looks REALLY good!

The Eclipse has already blinded hundreds of children in Accra, Ghana, extending from Brazil to Mongolia. Might this destroy my favorite chicken?

Truly, on this day, the sky has fallen, and his name is Total Eclipse of the Sun.

What kind of name is “the Sun” anyways?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Can of Pickled Space-Time

What if you could stroll into your local grocery store and buy yourself a can of pickled space-time? What would you do with it? If you could pickle space-time, would you put it in a can? And if you could can space-time, would you want it pickled?

About now, some of you are saying, “what on Mildred is Shayne talking about?” Well, I might ask you the same question. I know that those in the know…short pause…know exactly what I’m writing about.

I just wish I knew what I am talking about. That’s the big problem with writing…and with knowing. The two seldom meet.

So today, I will begin to try something new with my blog. Instead of writing nonsense posts with no point, I will start writing pointless posts that make no sense. That just sounds better, doesn’t it? I agree too. Thank you for agreeing with me.

I’m sure you’ll agree that agreeing with me is very important to our agreement.

So from this day forward, go out to your local grocery store or deli, walk up to the man at the counter and say, “One can of pickled Space-Time…to GO!”


If that won’t do it, then nothing will.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Let’s call Earth Mildred

I’ve got an idea, my fellow Mildredians. It’s only about eleven months old.

Let’s call Earth “Mildred!”

I know what you’re saying. “What are you saying? Call Earth Mildred?”

To that I say, “Yes,” I am saying, “That is what I am saying.”

Look at all the planets out there in our solar system alone that have really cool names, like Mars and Uranus. Who is Earth? We can’t call Mildred “Earth,” because Mildred is the Earth. Calling the Earth “Earth” would be like calling me “Human.” (Or would it?) It’s really quite silly when you think about it.

Earth.


You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Did anyone think this through when they voted on planet names?

Just think how fun it would be jetting around the galaxy letting everyone know you’re from Mildred! I wrote this short play to show you how things might go.

You: Hello, alien creature!

Alien: You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya..

You: No! I am not, alien creature!

Alien: You’re an Earth human, ain’t ya?

You: Why, No! I’m Mildredian! I’m from Mildred! We call Earth Mildred now!

Alien: Whut?

You: We call Earth Mildred. See? Watch! Mildred! Miiiiildreeed! I…AM…from Mildred! Did you see?

Alien: Can I kill ya now?

That’s just the beginning. I know it sounds crazy now, but just try it for a couple months. If someone says something that doesn’t make sense, just say, “What on Mildred are you talking about?” If it’s really hot, say “This must be the hottest town on Mildred.” Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it! You could say things like, “Careful with those bombs, George. You’ll blow up Mildred.” This is the funniest day on Mildred!!

Join me, fellow Mildredians!!


Coming soon: “What the heck kind of name is ‘The Sun?’”

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and neither is writing. I mean, just when I think I’m in, they pull me back out. I’m not sure how many of you have to work for a living. I do, and I don’t like it. It keeps me away from the things that I love…things like music, blogging, and nothing.

I’m not sure why I called this post “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” That’s not even the song that is out now. Wasn’t it a phrase used by some wrestler or something? I may be an idiot.

I don’t know for sure, but I do no this for sure: That’s all I’ve got.

That, and I’m back for real good.

I really, really mean it this time.