Let’s call Earth Mildred

I’ve got an idea, my fellow Mildredians. It’s only about eleven months old.

Let’s call Earth “Mildred!”

I know what you’re saying. “What are you saying? Call Earth Mildred?”

To that I say, “Yes,” I am saying, “That is what I am saying.”

Look at all the planets out there in our solar system alone that have really cool names, like Mars and Uranus. Who is Earth? We can’t call Mildred “Earth,” because Mildred is the Earth. Calling the Earth “Earth” would be like calling me “Human.” (Or would it?) It’s really quite silly when you think about it.

Earth.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Did anyone think this through when they voted on planet names?

Just think how fun it would be jetting around the galaxy letting everyone know you’re from Mildred! I wrote this short play to show you how things might go.

You: Hello, alien creature!

Alien: You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya..

You: No! I am not, alien creature!

Alien: You’re an Earth human, ain’t ya?

You: Why, No! I’m Mildredian! I’m from Mildred! We call Earth Mildred now!

Alien: Whut?

You: We call Earth Mildred. See? Watch! Mildred! Miiiiildreeed! I…AM…from Mildred! Did you see?

Alien: Can I kill ya now?

That’s just the beginning. I know it sounds crazy now, but just try it for a couple months. If someone says something that doesn’t make sense, just say, “What on Mildred are you talking about?” If it’s really hot, say “This must be the hottest town on Mildred.” Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it! You could say things like, “Careful with those bombs, George. You’ll blow up Mildred.” This is the funniest day on Mildred!!

Join me, fellow Mildredians!!


Coming soon: “What the heck kind of name is ‘The Sun?’”