10-9-8

The best apocalyptic predictions occur on catchy dates. We had 1/1/2000 and 6/6/6. We’ve got 11/11/11, and don’t forget to add 12/21/12 to your calendar. The world is going to end that day!

Not if I have anything to say about it.

My very own date of destruction is October 10, 2008.

10-9-8, according to my very accurate predictions, is the day the stock market will crash. October is a great month for market downturns. Thursdays are really nice for losing boatloads of cash! In case you haven’t bought food or gas in the past few months, 2008 seems to be a great year for some degree of financial woe.

Or is it Whoa!

Let’s go with woe.

We’ve got a perfect storm of various financial crisis building. Consult this list that I found on the internet at http://shaynereign.blogspot.com/:

- The housing market is in a slump. With the exception of where I live, it is getting worse all over the country.
- Those crazy CDOs. I would love to explain them here, but they are just entirely and utterly unfunny. Google Collateralized Debt Obligation, and see if don’t just not find humor. I dare you.
- The US dollar is at an all time low
- Stagflation. Prices are rising, but the economy is not growing.
- Consumer debt is at an all time high
- George Bush just can’t seem to pile up enough debt to China
- Other unfunny stuff

I really do prefer writing about funny things.

As a service to those whom are reading my blog, below you will find a handy countdown to the crash. Pull up this web page daily and watch the seconds pass by and bring us closer and close to doom! Hooray!

Please note that I am the first to make this prediction. If you see anyone out there stealing my shtick, please pass along that I am the genius who forecasted the second great depression. I’ll really be depressed if I don’t get credit for it!

I just realized this post isn’t very good.

Now go in peace.

My Answer to the Overcrowded Prisons Problem

2.6 million inmates in America.
1.6 million inmates in China.

China's population is about 4 times ours, yet they only have 70% of our inmate numbers. Sad.

SOLUTION!

Let's send our prisoners to China. China has an obvious prisoner shortage. Thinking of all that wasted prison space makes me sad. If the Chinese aren't all hung up on that slavery thing, perhaps we could trade human lives (they're prisoners, but according to Steve they're still human...[I disagree.]) to pay of some of the Trillions of dollars we owe them. (Thanks, George and Dick.) The prisoners could easily adapt. Communism and Socialism are pretty much the same thing as prison. Then the prisoners would have purpose in life: injecting lead into the toys of the children they'd otherwise be touching inappropriately!

Just think. If the Chinese could get free labor out of our prisoners, Wal Mart could go back to slashing prices!!! They'd bring back the flying yellow smiley face.

There is no longer any doubt...

There is no longer any doubt. I am the smartest human alive.

Please, please, do yourself a favor. Seek my advice before you do anything.

Now go in peace.

Baseball

I’m SO glad Plato was here. Thanks to Plato, I can love the Idea of Big League Baseball without having to love Major League Baseball. I can go to a game and enjoy the park, the grass, the food the crowd and not mind so much that most of the players are spoiled, pampered babies who just don’t get it.

Thank you, Plato.

I bring this up because after seven years of not seeing a Major League Baseball game, I am going tomorrow. My home team’s opening day is tomorrow. I can’t wait for the mystique of Opening Day. It should be a nice day, if storms don’t destroy us all. I can’t wait for the crack of the bats, the smell of the grass, the roars of the crowd, the food and the beer.

Have you ever noticed how beer tastes better outside? Whether it is on a porch of a Buffalo Wild Wings or on your own porch when you’re grilling, beer just tastes better outside. Beer at a ball park is a whole new…well, ball game. It’s like fizzy, liquid sex in a an over-priced collectable plastic cup!

I’ll ignore asteroids. I’ll ignore contract disputes. I’ll try no to mind so much when I have to pay $20 to park. I’ll just pretend that Big League Baseball is its Ideal Platonic Form. I hope for a bunt, although it won’t be likely since it is an American League game. I’m hoping for a squeeze play. I’m hoping to get an opportunity to explain to my wife the Infield Fly Rule. I’m hoping a fly ball lands in my beer! Just kidding about that. I will protect my beer!

Thank you, Plato.

Play ball!

Have you read my blog today?

When I see people are reading my blog, it makes me feel like I have to blog more. I feel a responsibility to my readers. So, I’m asking you to do something for my blog readers. That’s just like doing something for yourself, only you’re also doing something for others. That’s generally considered a good trait on Mildred, unless you are an elected official.

Please. Even if you only save one reader of El Guapo’s blog, it will be worth it. Please pass along my blog to other people—preferably ones that can read. That will make me feel obligated to blog even more, which will nurture and ever-increasing number El Guapo’s blog readers. Do it of yourself. Do it for America. Do it for Mildred.

This message paid for by the Make Pretty More Beautiful Initiative.

More on Nothing

I haven’t mentioned nothing in a while. The last time was here.

If I weren't not doing anything, I'd make it a point to do nothing.

Since I’m here though, I’ll go ahead and write a new post. I enter today’s post with the same intention I’ve entered almost every other post. I intend to write an intelligent, thought-provoking post that will both move and educate you and move you to educate yourself about movement.

As I strike the first few keys of my trusty keyboard keys, I realize that I’ve got nothing. Wasn’t it Robert Newhouse who once said, “Good intentions are like leading a horse to hell”? I may be paraphrasing just a bit, if not completely fabricating a falsehood, but the important thing is that you are moved and enlightened.

Did I mention enlightenment? I meant to say “enlighten” instead of “educate,” but don’t quote me on that.

I can’t decide which my favorite food is: pizza or chili. According to the Wall Street Journal, this post puts me at just over 10,000 posts. I may be exaggerating just a bit, if not completely lying, but the important thing is that I’ve got nothing.

Can someone please explain to me how I make it a point, day in and day out, every other day, to take a little time to write about nothing? How is it that I am able to write so much about so little? How much time have I wasted? How many words have I typed? Is rain happy? How many KBs of web server space have I used up with nothing?

I intend to get to the bottom of this. I am going to add it to the top of my list…somewhere near item number 3 or 4…somewhere below my top priority, which is to compose what I like to call a “To Do” list.

So with that knowledge, I encourage you to create a whole new world for yourself and go take it on. You can’t call your new world Mildred though. That name is taken. Grab your new world that you didn’t name Mildred by the tail and swing it around like a stray cat. I don’t mean a real stray cat. I mean a strictly proverbial stray cat. Like the one that lives in the ditch outside the courthouse in your back yard.

Now, go in peace.

Today, I am more back than ever

For the third or tenth time in possibly ever, I am back. It’s difficult to not take time off. Time off from blogging always makes its way on to my “To Do” list…mostly because I don’t have a “To Do” list. That list is constantly updated with things I didn’t know were on it. All the things that I think are on it get moved down the page to where I can’t see it on the monitor. If I can’t see it, I’m not thinking about it.

Which reminds me, what was I not thinking about? I can’t remember.

I sincerely apologize to all of you who have checked back every day for the past 11 months only to find that I’m nowhere to be found. Believe me, I looked everywhere, and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t find me, so I understand how you could not. Unless you did, then I’m angry at you for not telling me.

I’ve reached that point where what I’m typing sounds stupid even to me, so until next time….which will be sooner than the last next time: Keep up the Good!

Check back in 15 minutes for my next post. If nothing is new yet, try back in another 15 minutes. Eventually your patience will pay off!

Until next time: See above.