10-9-8

The best apocalyptic predictions occur on catchy dates. We had 1/1/2000 and 6/6/6. We’ve got 11/11/11, and don’t forget to add 12/21/12 to your calendar. The world is going to end that day!

Not if I have anything to say about it.

My very own date of destruction is October 10, 2008.

10-9-8, according to my very accurate predictions, is the day the stock market will crash. October is a great month for market downturns. Thursdays are really nice for losing boatloads of cash! In case you haven’t bought food or gas in the past few months, 2008 seems to be a great year for some degree of financial woe.

Or is it Whoa!

Let’s go with woe.

We’ve got a perfect storm of various financial crisis building. Consult this list that I found on the internet at http://shaynereign.blogspot.com/:

- The housing market is in a slump. With the exception of where I live, it is getting worse all over the country.
- Those crazy CDOs. I would love to explain them here, but they are just entirely and utterly unfunny. Google Collateralized Debt Obligation, and see if don’t just not find humor. I dare you.
- The US dollar is at an all time low
- Stagflation. Prices are rising, but the economy is not growing.
- Consumer debt is at an all time high
- George Bush just can’t seem to pile up enough debt to China
- Other unfunny stuff

I really do prefer writing about funny things.

As a service to those whom are reading my blog, below you will find a handy countdown to the crash. Pull up this web page daily and watch the seconds pass by and bring us closer and close to doom! Hooray!

Please note that I am the first to make this prediction. If you see anyone out there stealing my shtick, please pass along that I am the genius who forecasted the second great depression. I’ll really be depressed if I don’t get credit for it!

I just realized this post isn’t very good.

Now go in peace.

My Answer to the Overcrowded Prisons Problem

2.6 million inmates in America.
1.6 million inmates in China.

China's population is about 4 times ours, yet they only have 70% of our inmate numbers. Sad.

SOLUTION!

Let's send our prisoners to China. China has an obvious prisoner shortage. Thinking of all that wasted prison space makes me sad. If the Chinese aren't all hung up on that slavery thing, perhaps we could trade human lives (they're prisoners, but according to Steve they're still human...[I disagree.]) to pay of some of the Trillions of dollars we owe them. (Thanks, George and Dick.) The prisoners could easily adapt. Communism and Socialism are pretty much the same thing as prison. Then the prisoners would have purpose in life: injecting lead into the toys of the children they'd otherwise be touching inappropriately!

Just think. If the Chinese could get free labor out of our prisoners, Wal Mart could go back to slashing prices!!! They'd bring back the flying yellow smiley face.

There is no longer any doubt...

There is no longer any doubt. I am the smartest human alive.

Please, please, do yourself a favor. Seek my advice before you do anything.

Now go in peace.

Baseball

I’m SO glad Plato was here. Thanks to Plato, I can love the Idea of Big League Baseball without having to love Major League Baseball. I can go to a game and enjoy the park, the grass, the food the crowd and not mind so much that most of the players are spoiled, pampered babies who just don’t get it.

Thank you, Plato.

I bring this up because after seven years of not seeing a Major League Baseball game, I am going tomorrow. My home team’s opening day is tomorrow. I can’t wait for the mystique of Opening Day. It should be a nice day, if storms don’t destroy us all. I can’t wait for the crack of the bats, the smell of the grass, the roars of the crowd, the food and the beer.

Have you ever noticed how beer tastes better outside? Whether it is on a porch of a Buffalo Wild Wings or on your own porch when you’re grilling, beer just tastes better outside. Beer at a ball park is a whole new…well, ball game. It’s like fizzy, liquid sex in a an over-priced collectable plastic cup!

I’ll ignore asteroids. I’ll ignore contract disputes. I’ll try no to mind so much when I have to pay $20 to park. I’ll just pretend that Big League Baseball is its Ideal Platonic Form. I hope for a bunt, although it won’t be likely since it is an American League game. I’m hoping for a squeeze play. I’m hoping to get an opportunity to explain to my wife the Infield Fly Rule. I’m hoping a fly ball lands in my beer! Just kidding about that. I will protect my beer!

Thank you, Plato.

Play ball!

Have you read my blog today?

When I see people are reading my blog, it makes me feel like I have to blog more. I feel a responsibility to my readers. So, I’m asking you to do something for my blog readers. That’s just like doing something for yourself, only you’re also doing something for others. That’s generally considered a good trait on Mildred, unless you are an elected official.

Please. Even if you only save one reader of El Guapo’s blog, it will be worth it. Please pass along my blog to other people—preferably ones that can read. That will make me feel obligated to blog even more, which will nurture and ever-increasing number El Guapo’s blog readers. Do it of yourself. Do it for America. Do it for Mildred.

This message paid for by the Make Pretty More Beautiful Initiative.

More on Nothing

I haven’t mentioned nothing in a while. The last time was here.

If I weren't not doing anything, I'd make it a point to do nothing.

Since I’m here though, I’ll go ahead and write a new post. I enter today’s post with the same intention I’ve entered almost every other post. I intend to write an intelligent, thought-provoking post that will both move and educate you and move you to educate yourself about movement.

As I strike the first few keys of my trusty keyboard keys, I realize that I’ve got nothing. Wasn’t it Robert Newhouse who once said, “Good intentions are like leading a horse to hell”? I may be paraphrasing just a bit, if not completely fabricating a falsehood, but the important thing is that you are moved and enlightened.

Did I mention enlightenment? I meant to say “enlighten” instead of “educate,” but don’t quote me on that.

I can’t decide which my favorite food is: pizza or chili. According to the Wall Street Journal, this post puts me at just over 10,000 posts. I may be exaggerating just a bit, if not completely lying, but the important thing is that I’ve got nothing.

Can someone please explain to me how I make it a point, day in and day out, every other day, to take a little time to write about nothing? How is it that I am able to write so much about so little? How much time have I wasted? How many words have I typed? Is rain happy? How many KBs of web server space have I used up with nothing?

I intend to get to the bottom of this. I am going to add it to the top of my list…somewhere near item number 3 or 4…somewhere below my top priority, which is to compose what I like to call a “To Do” list.

So with that knowledge, I encourage you to create a whole new world for yourself and go take it on. You can’t call your new world Mildred though. That name is taken. Grab your new world that you didn’t name Mildred by the tail and swing it around like a stray cat. I don’t mean a real stray cat. I mean a strictly proverbial stray cat. Like the one that lives in the ditch outside the courthouse in your back yard.

Now, go in peace.

Today, I am more back than ever

For the third or tenth time in possibly ever, I am back. It’s difficult to not take time off. Time off from blogging always makes its way on to my “To Do” list…mostly because I don’t have a “To Do” list. That list is constantly updated with things I didn’t know were on it. All the things that I think are on it get moved down the page to where I can’t see it on the monitor. If I can’t see it, I’m not thinking about it.

Which reminds me, what was I not thinking about? I can’t remember.

I sincerely apologize to all of you who have checked back every day for the past 11 months only to find that I’m nowhere to be found. Believe me, I looked everywhere, and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t find me, so I understand how you could not. Unless you did, then I’m angry at you for not telling me.

I’ve reached that point where what I’m typing sounds stupid even to me, so until next time….which will be sooner than the last next time: Keep up the Good!

Check back in 15 minutes for my next post. If nothing is new yet, try back in another 15 minutes. Eventually your patience will pay off!

Until next time: See above.

A Good Politician

"[I]f experience teaches us anything at all it teaches us this: that a good politician, under democracy, is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. His very existence, indeed, is a standing subversion of the public good in every rational sense. He is not one who serves the common weal; he is simply one who preys upon the commonwealth."

H. L. Mencken, "The Politician" Prejudices: A Selection (4th Series, 1924)

Princess 1: My Dog Princess (re-issue)

(I’m going to make up a story about my dog Princess that I don’t really have. This will serve as proof I have reached the deepest, darkest bowels of Nothing.
Hmmmm..it doesn’t sound so bad when I phrase it like that..)

My dog Princess is a giant poodle that I named Princess. I named him Princess, because I think every poodle should be named Princess, even if the poodle is a giant. If you make fun of Princess, he will eat you. One leg at a time. Starting with yours.

Princess has short, curly white hair and steel teeth. I think he likes sardines, because he always has one in his mouth. I don’t know where he finds the sardines, and I don’t ask. He wouldn’t answer. He would just eat me.

Princess is not known for his patience with small talk.

(Author’s note: In the interest of not having much, this will conclude today’s post. I’ve got to save something for later. Love me!)
See Princess 2!

I’m Bringing “Bringing Back” Back!

Once again, I claim to be back.

I hate that new cliché. “I’m bringing something back.” I think it’s a great idea to bring things back. I just think that if you’re going to bring something back, you should do a little more bringing and a lot less talking. If you have to announce that you’re bringing something back, it is probably because you realize that nobody is interested what you have. You figure that you announce that you’re bringing whatever it is back, that someone will be interested in the fact that you are bringing something back. You know that no one really cares what you are bringing back.

Now, on to my being back.

Back being?

Being back.

I had to come back. A question has been plaguing me for a couple months. Most things that plague me are far too complex for most humans to comprehend, so I must have these discussions with myself…the one person whom I know can figure out the unknown mysterious unknowns that plague me.

“How do you discuss things with yourself, crazy person?” I know that is the question you find yourself asking me. Well, I’ll tell you. I write. I think writing is what keeps me sane. Maybe that’s just my excuse right now for ignoring the phone. Phones make me crazy.

That, dear Readers, is why we celebrate holidays.

Bumper Sticker of the Week

"I never thought I'd miss Nixon."

Cool Night

I played bass and sang in a band called Marzee back in 87 and 88. It is—I should say was--pronounced Mar Zay, rhymes with "Bar Jay." Coincidence? I know it is a terrible name. What could I do? I was the new guy in the band, and I didn’t have cool French girlfriend with a cool, exotic name.

I was a really big fan of a Dallas band called Nu Coup. One night Marzee played at the Prophet bar in Deep Ellum. Really, we only played there one night. While we were setting up, the bass player for Nu Coup walked in the club. It was kinda scary and really cool playing a gig with one of my rock ‘n roll bass influences watching.

I got to do that again Thursday night and Saturday night. Thursday at the Lakewood Bar & Grill, Saturday at Ridglea Theater, the great Colin Boyd was in attendance.

It was a little nervous Wednesday and Thursday. That’s a lot for me, since I’m really never nervous about much of anything. Saturday was just fun. Jay and I really appreciated him coming way to Fort Worth…and for bringing such a pretty lady!

Now go out and be real good, Mildred!

Life keeps moving on, so maybe we should too.

Troubles with the Ex mount. I should have spent more time chronicling the shenanigans of my wife’s ex-husband over the past couple years. It would be far too overwhelming to tell the whole tale now. So I’ll start with what it going on now. I’ll attempt to start at the beginning and work my way to the present while noting current stunts. We’ll see how much of the events time will allow me to recount to you.

I don’t want legal trouble, so I’ll leave out names. If you know me, then you know who I am talking about. I’ll remain on the safe side and use nicknames. I’ll refer to my wife’s ex husband as Slug. I apologize for the insult to slugs all over the world.

I’ll refer to Slug’s wife as Boar. I was going to call her Sloth. That sounds like a perfectly ugly creature. However, I Googled “sloth,” and they are nowhere near disgusting enough to describe this…I’ll be nice and call her a woman. Boar is just a better name for her. However, I do offer my most sincere apologies for this insult to boars all over the world. If anyone can come up with more fitting nicknames, let me know!

My blog will take a different turn for a while. I would much prefer the light-hearted fun, but as Charlie Robison said, “These are desperate times.”

For one, I feel people should know about what it is like for us to have to deal with Slug and Boar. I’m not looking for sympathy. I hope that writing about it will help me look on the brighter side of this situation. I hope that it will help me vent the anger I have towards them in a healthy way. Perhaps someone will let me know if I am in the wrong. That would be helpful. I hope that someone will have some helpful advice.

Secondly, I believe that Slug and Boar pose more than a negligible amount of danger to my family. I’ll get to that in later posts. Suffice to say for now that the two of them are just not right in my opinion. In my opinion, the two of them have severe mental problems. In my opinion, these mental problems make Slug and Boar a danger to themselves and a danger to my family and me.

I would like to point out that, aside from this being written from one person’s perspective, the posts regarding Slug and Boar will contain NO fiction. I will merely state the facts as they happened or as they happen.

I don’t know of many ways out of this situation. One hope we have is that Slug and Boar will just decide to leave the country. That is basically sitting around hoping they hate Texas enough to just leave. I’m not much for sittin’.

The other option is for us to move. My wife and I have talked about this. We talk about it more and more now. I’ve started looking into places to move. Of course, we can’t go to the obvious places, because we will not want to be found for at least several years. My wife has moved from country to country a few times. She doesn’t really want to do it, but at least she’s done it. I haven’t moved out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area since I was in second grade, so I’m no so much for moving off to some new land. I do love the mountains, and I do love the beach, and there are lots of those in this world.

I want to leave my feelings out of this for the most part and stick to the facts. However, I’m a very proud man, a very proud Texan, and I’ll not have someone harassing my family or me. We just can’t handle things the way we used to here, so there’s not much to do but either put up with it or get away from it.

The Higher the Truth

The wise realize that only after we have learned that we don't learn enough, can we begin to learn what learning learns us.

The higher truth is that we appear wiser when we answer all questions with "you should search for your truth within yourself."

Then you say, "Now go in peace."

Now, go in peace...

Total Eclipse of the Sun

I just read on MSN that sometime today a Total Eclipse of the sun is going to strike Mildred.

Are you prepared for this invasion? I had hoped for more time to stockpile bottled water and build my immune system. If I had know it were striking so soon, I would have got an Eclipse shot.

From what I understand, this particular Total Eclipse of the sun is not only extremely powerful, but it has an unending source of energy. Yes. It is completely Solar Powered. This is far worse than I ever feared.

Have you seen ads for “Basis Instinct 2?” Sharon Stone looks REALLY good!

The Eclipse has already blinded hundreds of children in Accra, Ghana, extending from Brazil to Mongolia. Might this destroy my favorite chicken?

Truly, on this day, the sky has fallen, and his name is Total Eclipse of the Sun.

What kind of name is “the Sun” anyways?

Can of Pickled Space-Time

What if you could stroll into your local grocery store and buy yourself a can of pickled space-time? What would you do with it? If you could pickle space-time, would you put it in a can? And if you could can space-time, would you want it pickled?

About now, some of you are saying, “what on Mildred is Shayne talking about?” Well, I might ask you the same question. I know that those in the know…short pause…know exactly what I’m writing about.

I just wish I knew what I am talking about. That’s the big problem with writing…and with knowing. The two seldom meet.

So today, I will begin to try something new with my blog. Instead of writing nonsense posts with no point, I will start writing pointless posts that make no sense. That just sounds better, doesn’t it? I agree too. Thank you for agreeing with me.

I’m sure you’ll agree that agreeing with me is very important to our agreement.

So from this day forward, go out to your local grocery store or deli, walk up to the man at the counter and say, “One can of pickled Space-Time…to GO!”

If that won’t do it, then nothing will.

Let’s call Earth Mildred

I’ve got an idea, my fellow Mildredians. It’s only about eleven months old.

Let’s call Earth “Mildred!”

I know what you’re saying. “What are you saying? Call Earth Mildred?”

To that I say, “Yes,” I am saying, “That is what I am saying.”

Look at all the planets out there in our solar system alone that have really cool names, like Mars and Uranus. Who is Earth? We can’t call Mildred “Earth,” because Mildred is the Earth. Calling the Earth “Earth” would be like calling me “Human.” (Or would it?) It’s really quite silly when you think about it.

Earth.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Did anyone think this through when they voted on planet names?

Just think how fun it would be jetting around the galaxy letting everyone know you’re from Mildred! I wrote this short play to show you how things might go.

You: Hello, alien creature!

Alien: You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya..

You: No! I am not, alien creature!

Alien: You’re an Earth human, ain’t ya?

You: Why, No! I’m Mildredian! I’m from Mildred! We call Earth Mildred now!

Alien: Whut?

You: We call Earth Mildred. See? Watch! Mildred! Miiiiildreeed! I…AM…from Mildred! Did you see?

Alien: Can I kill ya now?

That’s just the beginning. I know it sounds crazy now, but just try it for a couple months. If someone says something that doesn’t make sense, just say, “What on Mildred are you talking about?” If it’s really hot, say “This must be the hottest town on Mildred.” Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it! You could say things like, “Careful with those bombs, George. You’ll blow up Mildred.” This is the funniest day on Mildred!!

Join me, fellow Mildredians!!


Coming soon: “What the heck kind of name is ‘The Sun?’”

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and neither is writing. I mean, just when I think I’m in, they pull me back out. I’m not sure how many of you have to work for a living. I do, and I don’t like it. It keeps me away from the things that I love…things like music, blogging, and nothing.

I’m not sure why I called this post “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” That’s not even the song that is out now. Wasn’t it a phrase used by some wrestler or something? I may be an idiot.

I don’t know for sure, but I do no this for sure: That’s all I’ve got.

That, and I’m back for real good.

I really, really mean it this time.

Really, really back for good this time

I know. I know. Last time I said I was back, and I haven't been back since. Isn't back relative? Isn't back in the eye of the beholder? I might ask you the same question.

From this point forward, you can excpect a fully functional, consistently updated blog from me. If I don't deliver this time, then I'm almost certain I will next time.

I'm going to get right back into the swing of things. I'm going to work on more Princess stories. I don't really want to. I didn't think they were really going anywhere. I'd prefer to just let sleeping dogs lie....no pun intended...but Princess won't let me.

Speaking of....I've gotta go feed the dog...

before the dog feeds me...




help me.

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something

Check out this VERY funny post from my friend Rev. Jay.

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something