Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something

Check out this VERY funny post from my friend Rev. Jay.

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Blog destroyed by Hurricanes

This is my first blog activity since Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. I haven’t posted, written or read anything until right now. I’m not saying that the overly-personified storm is to blame for the lack of blog in my life or anyone else’s. I’m just pointing out the possible coincidence. Coincidence? I think not.

So now I begin the long process of rebuilding Blog. I won’t be able to catch up. That would be impossible. I’ll just have to start over. Right here. Right now.

In a few minutes.

If you think I’m really back this time, just wait until I’m really, really back next time!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Review of This Year’s Views and Reviews Throughout the Year Today

I just realized that this blog exactly, to the day, a little over a year old. It was on August 17, 2005 that I posted my first post, Welcome to Hell. So here for you, dear reader of I’ve Come to Save the World from Me, is my official Review of This Year’s Views and Reviews Throughout the Year Today. A sort of year in review, if you will. And I think you will.

Over the past year, I’ve warned of the impending housing market bust and offered you financial advice. “I read the news today, oh boy.”

I’ve offered the occasional political discourse. “Why is Everyone Afraid of Turning Gay” earned me a few links!

I wrote of urinals many times. Check them out! (The posts, not the urinals.) I’ll be glad you did. So will you. We both will. So will I.

I answered tough question from my readers. Remember that The Doctor IS in. The Doctor is always in. Wait. I’ll be right back. Just kidding. I’m still in. Where am I

I’ve posted lyrics to several songs that you can listen to just like me! If you didn’t listen, then go back and listen. It will make you a better person, and make the world a better place.

My latest craze is my children’s’ story about a boy and his dog.

Overall, it’s been a year. I year of months and days. I’d like to thank you all for knowing how to read, and for using that skill on my blog writing. I promise you that someday I will learn to write.

Love me.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.

Just kidding.

Love you.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Tattoo

Tattoo
(Shayne Seymour, © 2003)

Hear the MP3 at shayneseymour.com

Every tear that I see falling from your eyes
Is another world falling on my shoulders.
I really tried to give some comfort to your life,
But it feels like I've only made it colder.

I'll tattoo myself with tears
just to try to feel your pain.
I'll tattoo myself with tears
I never wanted this to fade.

I hope that you and me are not wounded
by all the things that I wouldn't say.
I know I'm the dream that summons your wildest fears
and the cross you bear to drive them away.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Princess 6: My Puppies at the Beach

One day, Princess asked me to take him to the beach. He didn’t just come out and say that, because dogs can’t talk you silly skunk face. He communicates with his Giant Princess Puppies Language which I will tell you about another day.

Today, I will tell you about the one day when Princess asked me to take him to the beach. He didn’t just come out and say it; because dogs can’t talk you crazy kangaroo pouch.

I said, “Yes, sweet Master Princess, let’s go the beach today. Please don’t kill me.” We hopped on my skateboard and tore donkey on down to the beach.

Princess was so excited when we got there! He jumped off the skate board, accidentally pooped on a VW bug, and dashed straight for the water. There was beached whale on the beach. Princess snatched up and slung it around like a mail man.

He growled and snarled at some kids. That scared them and sent them running, so I scored their boogie board! He can be so cute sometimes when he’s being a very playful puppies. We had SO much fun at the beach.

It was kinda gross picking all the sea weed and plankton out of Princess’ short, curly white hair and picking whale and boogie boards out of his steel teeth at Denny’s.

It was worth it though, because Princess still loves me like his very own human!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Congratulations!

I am my 1,000th visitor!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Princess 5: Four Days in the Belly of a Puppies

One day, I finally asked Princess where he got the sardines. Without a word, he snarled his steel, Princess teeth, opened his mouth and swallowed me. Before I could say, “Hey, my giant poodle named Princess, why are you eating me?” he swallowed with a huge ‘Gulp!”

It was almost completely dark in Princess’ stomach. The only light came from some strange source. I think he swallowed a lot digital watches when he was a puppy. Luckily, I always carry a flashlight behind my ear, so I switched it on to have a look around.

There were sardines and IHOP waitresses everywhere. You gotta hand it to those sardines! I talked to a couple waitresses, ate some sardines and just kinda spent the time catching up on some much needed rest. About the time I started getting comfortable living in the belly of a giant poodle named Princess, I laid down for a nap.

I woke up in the parking lot of a Denny’s. I was waling inside Denny’s to ask someone where I was, when Princess met me at the door. He gave me a look as if to say, “don’t ask.”

I asked, “Where am I?” Without a word, he snarled his steel, Princess teeth, opened his mouth and swallowed me. Before I could say, “Hey, my giant poodle named Princess, why are you eating me?” he swallowed with a huge ‘Gulp!”

Note to self: Stop asking Princess questions.

See Princess 6!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

What Can I and You Do to Make this place a Better World?

What can you and I do to make the world a better place?

I’ll be honest with you. You probably don’t know. That’s why nobody does anything. Nobody knows what to do. Most know what not to do, but few work hard at not doing what we’re not supposed to do.

I’m here to help. I’ve Come to Save the World from Not Saving the World.

From now on, if I remember, I’m going to give you very important ways to help make the world a better place to have civilizations and stuff.

What can you do today? For the rest of the day, come back to this blog every day and check to see if I have an assignment for you. In case you need to verify it for your calendar, today is in August.

Remember, the world is a big place, so I may not have a new assignment every day.

See you tomorrow. Unless tomorrow falls on today or sooner. In that case, see you tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

At the Mercy of My Brain

I’ve got a problem that occurs in the period of time between when I was born and when I will die. It’s a problem I like to call “Shayne’s Brain.” I can’t seem to grasp control of my brain. It makes me do things.

That’s all I know.

I don’t really understand how it works. I asked, and he ain’t talking. Or thinking, as it were. Were it? Really. I need to know. Were it?

So my brain does things or doesn’t do things whether or I want it to or not to. Sometimes it doesn’t do anything whether or don’t want it to or not.

I don’t like cats, and I’ve never even been up in space.

For example, right now, at this moment, I wish to write a blog post about how my brain seems to control me more than I control it. My brain won’t let me.

I don’t like cats. Where is space?

See what I mean? What’s this business about cats and space?

Let’s think about cats for a moment.

Earlier when I was trying to work, my brain kept wanting to write for this blog. I really needed to work. It’s as though I don’t know who we are any more sometimes.

Let’s send cats into space!

Shayne out.

Brain in.


Wait!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Princess 4: My Puppies Princess loves the Mail

Princess loves our mail man. One time Princess met him at the porch. Princess was being all playful friendly, panting, and wagging his tail and his tongue hanging out.

When the mail man reached up to pat Princess on the head, Princess bit the mail man’s left leg off. Then he ran around the yard with it, shaking it around, tossing it into the air and watching it fall to the ground. Then he buried the funny mail man’s left leg in a big hole he dug in the street.

Princess is pretty funny when he plays like that.


See Princess 5!

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Greatest Never Not Ever Never

Once again I find myself unsure of where to go. I need a break from the Children’s story about a dog. I’m getting all Dog ads in Adsense. I don’t really have to time to dig up a song from http://www.shayneseymour.com/ to offer you.

Maybe you should check out the official song of “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me.” It’s a little song I call “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me.”

Did you check out my MySpace page? It’s right here:


Check me out!


What about my blog? You can find it at
http://shaynereign.blogspot.com/

I stop now.

Can You Be Fired For Blogging?

Can You Be Fired For Blogging?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Princess 3: When My Dog Princess Was a Puppies.

When my favorite giant, IHOP waitress-eating poodle was a puppies, he was very funny at us all of the most of the time that day.

I mean, he would just do things all the time that would make you laugh and say, “puppies funny!”

When Princess was a few days old, I bought him a computer for his anniversary of being a giant poodle for a few days. He signed on and hacked the IHOP website. I thought it was sort of a weird thing for him to do, but we just wrote it off as being a cute, little puppies. I began to think he was curious about pancakes, but now I know the truth…the cute, little, giant dickens…


See Princess 4!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

MySpace?

What will this do?



Check me out!

No. 2?

I was watching CNN at lunch. They were doing the story on Ayman al-Zawahri threatening the Western Nations.

The sound was down, but I reckon they were discussing al-Zawahri’s apparent aging. The subtitle read:

Bin Laden’s No. 2 is grayer than in years past.

Do they know that much about his No. 2? You’d think they could follow THAT kind of trail and find him!

I don’t think they know what I think there were talking about.

On Hope.

Isn't it great to have something to look forward to sleeping through!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Buy Me!

For a limited time only--at least until the end of the internet—you can purchase shares of “I’ve Come To Save the World from Me.”

“I’ve Come to Save the World from Me” is the world famous blog (weB LOG) known as the what you are reading right now.

Click this link to BlogShares button below, sign up, and purchase stock in my Blog. I don’t really know what it’s all about, but it sure sounds like fun!

And if you don’t do it? Then, hey! Why not just do it anyway? Ya know it?

Let me know how you go!


Listed on BlogShares

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Princess 2: The Birth if My Dog Princess

When Princess was born, he was a dog.

I like to call very new dogs “puppies.”

Princess was a very cute puppies for a giant poodle. He was very funny at us. He would roll around playing “Alive.” He would run in circles chasing his tail and eat IHOP waitresses. I guess if he had been human, we might have called Princess a cannibal. He was a puppies though, so it wasn’t gross or weird that he ate IHOP waitresses.

Back to his birth though. He was very gross. He came out and said “Hi, folks!” Then he ran out the door, peed on the mailbox and ate some trash bins.

I’ve never witnessed another giant poodle birth that was anything like when Princess was puppies born.


See Princess 3!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Help you out.

Check out my friend's site. He's got good financial advice for you.
www.hedgeoil.com
www.hedgegas.com

Friday, July 29, 2005

Sharks mad?

So the "Jaws" special edition DVD was released June 14.

Florida had shark attacks on
June 25th, June 27th and June 28th .

Texas had one
July 14th.

There is just one question on all my minds: Coincidence?

Why was I gone?

I had some stuff and some things that happened to me. Specifically, it was some general things and stuff. I’ll try to be here for you more. Or is it be here more for you. Either way, ya know it?


Be.


Subliminal message of the day:

Futures.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Ballad of Detroit Louie

The Ballad of Detroit Louie
(Shayne Seymour and Scott Parry, © 2003, 2005)
Hear the mp3 at www.shayneseymour.com

Asleep at the bar
Propped up on his stool
Like a sentinel guarding
The dreams of a fool
I fed the juke box,
Then I asked for the chalk.
He awoke to the Saint
"On a Sunday morning sidewalk."

He said, "My name is Louie
Detroit Louie. Can I buy you a beer?
I've lived in Salida for about
Six lonely years.
I've hiked the Rainbow
And the Colorado Trails
But since my brother left
My life's been a living hell."

Detroit Louie I hear you talking
But what the hell are you trying to say
Don't you know that the harder you look for love
The farther you drive it away
You ain't going to find freedom
Out there throwing away the past
The pain is going to hang on to you as long
As you hang on to that glass.

He kept singing "Desperado"
Saying it's not too late.
I ought to let somebody love me
Life's too short to wait.
He lit another Lucky Strike
And it fell to the floor
I asked the bar for another round
He said Louie can't have no more

"I've got ten drinks down;
I've got six balls up
Yeah, we're well on our way.
If this stick's just half as bent as me, man
Then I'm going to be OK.
Boys, my time is running out
And my bottle's running dry."
He's just trying to finda familiar place too hide.

He came from Detroit
With just his dog by his side.
He's giving away all of his memories
As he waits here to die.
Head hanging low while cradling a beer.
Louie when will you ever learn
That it is life that you fear.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

NHL is back

Although I never really cared the NHL was gone, I am glad it's back.

I was a huge hockey fan. I just figured if the money was more important than the game to the owners and players, then why should I care about it. Besides, I had the
Ft. Worth Brahmas. That's hockey I can afford.

I will probably hate the new rules. It is sad the sport has to reduce itself to appear to those with no attention span. If money weren't so important, the player could tell the ADD'd masses to just stay home and stare at their TVs. To me the new rules will be the equivalent of removing wrecks from NASCAR.

I wish we could just say, “If you don’t want to take the time to learn the rules and strategies of hockey the way it is—if you’re just here to see goals and fights, then buy an Xbox. “

It was a beautiful sport. Graceful, strategic, violent, fast. Now we have to have shootouts so FOX viewers don’t get bored and switch over to wrestling.

I guess I’m just glad it will be back. Now, Dallas. Let’s get Modano signed.

My Blog has really going down the toilet lately…

Off.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Urinelle

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Out of some strange curiosity, I clicked on the Adsense add for the “Urination device women.” A company called Urinelle.

You’ve got to check out that Ad. I promise this is for your benefit and not just to earn myself checks. Click the link. Enter the site of your language. Then check out the “About Urinelle” and the “How to Use.”

It is not what I would call the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, but it is worthy of consideration.


Wow. I can't seem to stop writing about urinals. I wish I had discovered urinals a long time ago...



Nothing Is not as good as Urinals

So, I added Adsense to my blog thinking it will help me be not so poor any more. The ads are based on text from the page.

Most of my posts are about nothing. I love nothing. Nothing is my favorite thing. It’s also all I have in the way of blog topics, so I often write about nothing.

In the history of “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me,” there have been two posts on the topic of Urinals. What ads are displayed?

  • Buy Female Urinals
  • Urinals-Falcon Water Free
  • Male Urinal
  • Urination device women.

Is that what my blog is about? Urinals? I guess so. Are there no sites in wide, wide world of web dedicated to nothing?

How many people are going to surfing to buy urinals for women? I don’t even want those weirdoes on my blog.

Either way, I beg you all to go urinal shopping online, so I can get some checks.

Admit it. You’ve always wanted one, haven’t you? Wouldn't a new urinal look nice in your garage?

More Nothing

I’ve still got nothing. Not only that, I’m in too much pain to type. Carpe Tunnel or something, I guess. I call it, My Arm and Shoulder Really Hurt.

Either way, there will be no post today, and that’s all I have to say about that.

Except this: What’s that?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Lion, the Witch and the Urinal

I guess somebody moved a sign from the men’s room door to the urinal instead of making a new sign for the urinal. Said sign on said urinal said reads:

Closed For Service
Do Not
Enter


I don’t think of “entering” urinals so much as just “using” them. There are a plethora of jokes flowing from this urinal.

I’ll leave them to you, dear reader..

Monday, July 11, 2005

Jump Shark?

See how stupid my posts are without my file. Have I jumped the shark? Maybe I jumped the shark by starting a blog.

Why wouldn’t I jump the shark? I love jumping and I love shark.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Now is not the time for later.

I’m running low on blog topics. If it is not already, it will soon be VERY apparent. Speaking of apparent, will I ever learn how to spell apparent? I mean, what’s it all about? Really.

The most fascinating aspect of this post is that I’m still not sure where I’m going with it.

On second thought, I just decided on the direction of this post!!
I’m going to end it right here

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Long and Short of it All

Some of my co-workers attended an “E-mail Writing Course.” Fascinated by a title that seemed nothing less than a complete waste of time, I asked about it.

Although, in and of itself, asking about it was not a waste of time; listening to the description probably drained enough life force to shorten my life span by two years. 45 minutes for two years is not a good trade. Mark that in your little book of life’s lessons. Page 13.

According to this class, people just don’t have time to read e-mails. That is probably because they spend too much time scanning for viruses, filtering through spam and typing passwords, but who am I to judge? The instructor taught that we should shorten our e-mails to give our corporate managers and officers summaries of the necessary facts and not bog them with details.

This is something I’ve always encouraged my coworkers attempt. Not really to save the managers time. More because the mangers really don’t know enough to understand the details, so why bother typing them.

This lead to a discussion of some e-mail messages composed that day. Where they too short? Just right? Did it depend on the recipient? As the conversation progressed, I longed more and more for a quick death.

We did come to the conclusion that the instructor of the “E-mail Writing Course” should take a “Course Course,” In this Course Course,” I will explain that employees doing all the work don’t have time to sit in a course all day learning (essentially) how to talk down to corporate officers at a level they can comprehend. I will teach that we should shorten our classes to give employees more time to not be in pointless classes.

I, of course, am NOT talking about the management where I work. I’m just going by what friends say about where they work. The people I work for a real good smart!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Halo

Halo
(by Shayne Seymour)
mp3 at www.shayneseymour.com

Heaven is in every word you say.
Heaven is in the way you sway.
I can not look away from you, and I am blinded when you glow.
The only light in my world is your halo.

I feel the burning in your eyes.
I taste the bitter in your cries.
I blew out the sun to watch you glow,
Enchanted by light of your halo.

There's glory in the senses that you thrill,
And glory in the sadness of the kill.
It burns when I'm this close to you, and it's so cold when you go.
The only light in my world is your halo.

Desire is burning a hole deep inside of me.
I'm soaring in your sky and drowning in your sea.
I singe my heart and sear my soul as your flames lick my wings.
I surrender to your charms and the blues that you sing.

(Shayne Seymour, © 2003 and 2005)

Friday, July 01, 2005

Also that George guy..

I’d also like to be the fist to congratulate George Washington on becoming the President of the United States. I predict that he and his friend Abraham Lincoln will bring integrity and honesty to that position that will be carried forth by all the leaders of the United States of America.

On a related note, I would like to be the first to congratulate said United States of America on winning her freedom from the evil British Empire. I doubt we’ll ever have good relations with England, but that’s ok. America has shown the world how fighting for, and winning your own independence helps you truly understand freedom. I’m sure other countries will follow her example in the future and perhaps even before the future
.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Way to go Ben!! Also

I’d also like to congratulate Benjamin Franklin on discovering electricity. I don’t think that the whole “electrical power” thing will really ever take off here in America, but he at least proved that only good things can come from drinking a lot and flying kites in a thunderstorm.

Way to go, Ben!

Strangest Thing I've Said Today

Voodoo dolls? I love Voodoo dolls! I mean...I love voodoo. I love dolls. It should only follow that I would love voodoo dolls.

What's wrong with
me?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Friday, June 24, 2005

Congrats Lance Armstrong!

I’d also like to be the first to congratulate Lance Armstrong on winning what I think will be the first of at least three or four Tour de Frances. I bet if that kid keeps it up, he’ll be really good bicycle rider some day.

An Engaging time for Engagements

Let me be the first to congratulate my good friends Scott and Lisa on their real good engagement to marry themselves together! I’m very Shaynehappy for them both of the.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Time

Time is just an illusion created by those who want us to be on it.

Fight the power.

Bash the clocks.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Lost

Pleased to meet you. I'm sad. I lost my file. THE famous file. The one I mention here.

So now I have to start everything over. It's all right off the top of my head, like a bad cut. I feel about as graceful as a three-legged moose. There worked it in.

My stock is down. I feel just the slighted pang of panic in the deepest regions of my gut. That's where it will stay though, because I saw "Batman Begins," and I'm not afraid of bats anymore.

Well, not the flying rodent. I DO still fear the bats that you use for hitting baseballs. They scare me.

My take on "Rio"

Here's my take on Duran Duran's "Rio." And you thought it couldn't be done acoustically.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Dogs are Stupid, but they're still smarter than me.

If I say "Paris Hilton nude", will my blog show up in more Google searches?

It doesn't really matter, because I would NEVER resort to such tactics as using phrases like "Nicole Kidman Naked" just generate to blog traffic. That's cheap and wrong, and I refuse to do it.

I used to laugh at how stupid my dog is. She is a constant tail chaser. She'll run tiny circles in the living room or dining room hours at a time.


You can see the disappointment in her eyes each time she catches her tail and seems to wonder, "What's so great about that? hmm..I wonder what cat poop tastes like."

A few minutes later, she’s right back at it.

Yesterday it hit me. I do the same thing every day. Many of us do the same thing every day. It seems like we go in and work every day, just so we’ll have enough money to work the next day. What’s that about?

Towards what are we working?

To be continued…

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Stock Rising?

Nope.

Why is there work? Jay?

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

SWE3

I'll say this about "Revenge of the Sith":

Who are the good guys?

Friday, May 27, 2005

Asterisks in the yesterday’s blog question answer


I added asterisks in the previous question answer, because they refer to interesting fun facts that are too tangential for that particular, yet highly individual, post.

The single asterisk, a.k.a. *, is because MS Word was trying to change my grammar to "Since you didn’t, neither will me." That would sound stupid, and as we all now; I am rarely, if ever, stupid.

The double asterisk, something I personally like to call **, refers to an as yet unposted post that I will post later.

Not now. Later. Be patient. It’s not like this blog is my entire life, ya know. Ungrateful grot.

So there you are now have it and good.

The Doctor is out.

Just kidding. I’m in.

Now I’m out.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I’ve Come to Save the World from Blog Block

I’ve created a blog, and now I don’t know what to write. Can you help me, The Sweet, Pretty The El Guapo?

Love,
Sweet, new blogger person.


I can help you Sweet, new blogger person. For a successful blog, you have to keep your readers in mind. You have to give the readers what they want. “What,” you ask, “do readers want?” Well, I might ask you the same question. Since you didn’t, neither will I*. I will answer it though.


Readers want something to read. That means you gotta give them something to read. That’s what I do every day of Mildred**, except for two. I give the reader something to read. Sometimes I give the reader nothing to read, but at least that’s something.

When I created my blog, I wondered when I would run out of stuff to say, and that was pretty much all I had to say. So I did. Then, I created a Word file in which I write every single stupid blog topic idea that comes into The El Guapo’s brain and mine. When I get a chance, I go through it and expand upon the one ones that I can. When I say “expand,” I don’t mean a kitty. I like kitty humor. Not as much as monkey humor though. Monkey humor is the absolute best humor imaginable. Almost.

But I digest. Do you? Then I started adding theme topics, so that I can kinda repeat the same crap over and over and over. Should I say “and over” again? I think not.

And over. I did it anyway. Take that, Evil doer.

Now I have written more stuff than I can write. I have an endless supply of material for readers (or non-readers) to read (or not read) for the next week or so, as long as we all realize it won’t go over a couple minutes. That, my dear human/nonhuman, is what readers like and dislike most about reading and/or not reading.

I hope this answers your question. If not, rephrase the question in a way that it is answered by my response. Otherwise it may be a stupid question or just an incorrect question.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Kenny Chesney?

So what have the rest of the Village People been doing since Kenny Chesney went solo?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Monthly or so Buddha

Never give up
No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country is spent
Developing the mind instead of the heart.
Be compassionate not just to your friends but to everyone
Be compassionate.
Work for peace in your heart and in the world.
Work for peace and I say again
Never give up.
No matter what is happening,
No matter what is going on around you,
Never give up.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Monday, May 23, 2005

Why can't beach be all the time?

We're back from vacation. A week on Mustang Island and Padre Island. Every time I come back from the beach I like the not beach less. I like not beach less than Less itself. I may even like it less than the mysterious Almighty Least.

If I cared about my crazy grammar, I would apologize. I like it.

I just love the water, waves, fish, boats, tourists, bums, sun, salt, seaweed, jellyfish, wind, all of it. Tourists in Ft. Worth, Dallas and in Colorado get on my nerves, but tourists at the beach are all right. Maybe I still am considered a tourist in Colorado or Port Aransas, although I don’t think I should be.

Anywho, I don’t want to be here, so that’s all I got.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Addendum to Sith Question Answer

To make this very difficult addendum easier for you, I have broken it up into very easy-to-follow steps. They are somewhat in numerical order, except the Steps 8, 1 and 9.

Step 13: First and foremost, read (yesterday's) post so you know what I'm talking about. Shouldn't one of us?


Step 8: In the answer to the previous (yesterday's) question contained in below (yesterday's) post, please ignore the quotation marks.

Step 9: After you have successfully ignored the quotation marks, proceed to (today's) Step 2.

Step 2: While looking very closely at the answer, ignore the letter N.

Step 3: Repeat step 2 until you are not really sure what you are doing, then proceed to Step 3.

Step 4. Ignore the period or the o. It is entirely up to you, as long as you know it is up to you.

Step 5. Ignore any part of the answer that remains, as of yet, unignored.

Step 6. Skip the previous two steps, if you did not see Step 6.

Step 1: After reading Step 1, proceed to Step 8, since Step 8 is really the first step.

Step 11: Thank yourself for being very good for me.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I’m Come to Save the World from Bad Sith

If you’re a bad Sith, does that mean you’re good?

Thank you,
Closet bad Sith


This is an excellent question that comes from a Jay and/or a Ray. Maybe both. If you don’t believe me then look deep, deep inside your left side and remember the answer you questioned.

First, since the Sith doesn’t really exist in what I like to call “here,” we’ll assume that question asking person is speaking metaphorically. Metaphorically speaking, since Sith’s don’t exist here, I will answer your question.

In order to accurately answer this question with the proper facts and/or my opinion, we must first agree on what I Sith is.


I, for one, don’t really know. I can’t really say that I care.

Now that we all know or don’t know what a Sith is, we must assume that we don’t know if being a bad Sith makes one good. Assuming, of course, we know what good is. This is sort of what I refer to as an “answer back/back answer question-the-answer question with or without an answer.” Ergo, not knowing this is why Jay or/and Ray—or both—asked his/her question. Double Ergo, the answer must be either forthcoming or next.

Let’s assume the answer is next. If so, then here it is:

“No.”

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Ominous Signs at the yeah, yeah, yeah

I’ve come to save the you from yourself.

I’ve grown tired of trying to catch up on the Ominous Signs stuff, and this whole crumbling economy thing is really only funny to me. So here is the gist.

Start being more financially defensive. Save up some cash. Put away the credit cards, and don’t charge them up on this summer’s vacations. Pay off your high interest debt, because interest rates are going up soon. Way up. Learn what your means is and live within it.

Here is my opinion on time and money. The more you worry about it, the less you’ll have. Less is more. Les Moore lives in Austin, TX.

I think a line from Ziggy Marley’s “Dragonfly” is appropriate:

“everybody's worried about time
but i just keep that sh** off my mind
people living on twenty four hour clocks
but we're on a ride that never stops”

Love your love with all of your love.

What?

Life with Jay

Some VERY helpful words to help knowledge from my Durango Brother Jay.

Life with Jay

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I've Come to Save the Annoying Friendship

How do I tell my annoying friend he's always wrong and does NOT have all the answers?

With love,

loving blanca


The next question is from a person(?) named blanca from who resides in beautiful Earth, The Universe.

Sco—I mean blanca, this is what you should do. You sit down with your annoying friend. Not too close though, you homo. It is important that you make sure you both have a beer, unless he doesn’t drink. In that case, you’ll have to have both beers.

Then you say this (and say this word for word):

“Shayne, I love you. You know the Earth and other worlds like no other human super. However, there is something I have to tell you. I hate you. You don’t know Ess ach eye double hockey sticks—I mean tea. When I said I love you just a moment ago, I was trying to make you laugh so that you won’t cry when you discover you are a moron. And annoying. And pretty ugly. But other than that, you can’t drive or sing. Just kidding. I love you.”

Try that, dear anonymous reader not named Frankie, Carl or Melissa. If that doesn’t work, try not being around when you friend isn’t looking. Or when he is looking. Either way you’ll get the job done.

Have you been to Seattle? I like it.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Stupid unbeach

We’re leaving for the beach Friday. Today is not Friday, and my cube is not the beach. At least there is no sand. Not much.

Someone should write a book—or at least a lengthy essay—on how times moves so slowly at work when you’re leaving for the beach in 4 days. Any volunteers?
Jay?

I just had the worst lunch ever, and it is Doug’s fault.

I'm listening to Ray Wylie Hubbard in CASE you wanted to know..

Ominous Signs at the Periphery VIII

from April 19

Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack

Associated Press
New Home Construction Posts Big Decline
Tuesday April 19, 10:43 am ET
By Martin Crutsinger, AP Economics Writer
New Home Construction Posts Biggest Decline in 14 Years; Wholesale Inflation Shoots Up

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Inflation at the wholesale level, propelled by a surge in the price of gasoline and other energy products, shot up 0.7 percent in March while construction of new homes and apartments fell by 17.6 percent, the biggest decline in 14 years.

The Commerce Department reported Tuesday that builders started construction onnew homes and apartments at a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 1.84 million unitsin March, down from 2.23 million units in February.

While analysts had been expecting a decline in housing, the steepness of the drop,the biggest plunge since January 1991, caught them by surprise.

Friday, May 06, 2005

The Weekly Hangdog

something left to save
by The Hangdogs

Wind cuts a path through dust and heat
Sends papers flyin down a dirty old street
City's lit up like a Christmas tree
But you pay for the treasure lies underneath
Everything's got a price in this old burg
And when your credit runs out, you pay in hurt
And a soul only costs what a body's worth
And the next one's just as cheap

The street corner preacher says just have faith
Says Jesus comin back to take us home someday
But he's running short on time and something left to save

Twenty floors up in a new high-rise
They hate their boss, plot his demise
They play their stocks and their PR lies
And they sip their whiskey sours
Down here we buy what they say we need
Play the Quick Pick 5 and the OTB
If we could trade in our debt for our dignity
We'd take back what was always ours

It says somewhere we're all made equal
but leastways in this town, it don't stay that way
There's your color, there's your schooling
there's your savoir faire and who you know and your credit rate

Ominous Signs at the Periphery VII

From April 18

Will Greenspan bite the bullet and continue raising interest rates as we need? This will support the dollar, slow inflation, cause a recession, and increase the US internal savings rate. It needs to be done, but I don't know if he has the guts to do it. We need a recession fast, so we don't have a depression in a couple of years.
Stay tuned..d

Danielle DiMartino
Economic slowdown may be worse than a mere soft patch
11:00 PM CDT on Sunday, April 17, 2005

By DANIELLE DiMARTINO / The Dallas Morning News

So much for that post-election bounce.

Last week's stock losses all but wiped out the gains investors booked in the huge relief rally that followed the election.

For the year, the Dow and the S&P 500 are down by about 6 percent. Double those losses for the Nasdaq. Perhaps more troubling is that for the first time in three years, stocks lost ground in the face of falling interest rates and oil prices.

The message is clear: This time, the economic slowdown could be so severe that low interest rates won't bail the country out.

As Martin Barnes, economist at the Bank Credit Analyst research firm noted on Friday, "Ominously, the drop in oil prices and bond yields in the past week or so has not lifted equity prices."

His advice is to steer clear of equities for now because the Federal Reserve is not finished raising interest rates and the economy appears to be skidding into something more meaningful than a soft patch.

Friday's last three economic reports showed a dire tone:

•A New York gauge of manufacturing activity fell to a two-year low in April and new orders actually posted a decline.

•Factory output fell for the first time in six months in March, with auto manufacturing sliding by 3.6 percent, its most severe in more than four years.

•Consumer sentiment fell to a 19-month low on concerns about steep prices at the pump and a still-weak job market.

All of this piled onto a bad week. There was the biggest miss by the consensus on retail sales since last August. Excluding autos and gasoline, sales were negative. And the trade deficit came in at a record $61 billion.

The data hasn't improved since the month started with the news that March payrolls came in at half of what had been expected. By the time the month ends, most economists will have shaved a full percentage point off their estimates for first-quarter economic growth.

David Rosenberg, Merrill Lynch's chief economist, is one of many who by the end of the week were cutting estimates for economic growth and voicing concerns that we're headed for something deeper than last year's soft patch.

"Look out for the softest pace since the second quarter of 2004 on GDP growth," he said. "The grim reality is that the Fed viewed this as a pause back then and may well treat the current soft patch as little more than a minor bump in the road this time around as well," he added.

The market is broadcasting that we're on course to collide with something bigger than last year's speed bump.

How is it doing this? The benchmark 10-year Treasury fell last week to about 4.25 percent, retreating to where it started the year and wiping out the nasty episode that tacked on nearly a half-point to its yield on inflation concerns.

Yet stocks fell. For the last three years, it has gone like this: Falling interest rates equals cheap credit equals fresh support for consumer spending equals rising stock prices. But that wasn't what happened last week.

Interest rates fell, which means bond prices rose. And yet stock prices fell. There's one thing the stock market fears more than a Fed that keeps on raising rates, and that's a Fed that stops raising rates.

The only call to pause will be an economy that has slowed too much to handle the gentle pace of the rate-hiking campaign we've been on for the better part of the last year.

As tempting as it may be to pause, my hope is that the Fed holds its ground.

Leaving office in the shadow of a recession will make for a much nicer legacy for Alan Greenspan than steering the economy into a worse state of imbalance by making money cheaper yet again.

Further excesses will only set us up for a future that makes us wish for something as tame as a recession.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

On Being So Much Real Bad Busy

I never knew being so busy could be such a good source of material. Sure it prevents me from posting all the blog topics I’ve been promising, but that is not the point.

If I keep writing about how busy I am, I’ll never finish the mountainous pile of tasks on which I claim to be busy. If I never finish the mountainous pile of tasks, I’ll always be too busy to write anything.

If I don’t stop writing, I’ll NEVER run out of anything to write!

Sooner or later, I will got my world-famous, unfinished stereotypes post. I will tell you the story of the crazy lady at work. I’ll answer some more Ask Shayne questions. I plan to work very hardly to get you the Daily Hangdog tomorrow though, because tomorrow is the most important tomorrow since yesterday, or maybe even day after tomorrow in different time zones. If you don’t believe me, just hang around until tomorrow.

Until tomorrow…

Or yesterday….

maybe sooner...

Stupid Liar

I lied yesterday. I have lots of stuff to say. I’m just too busy. I hate busy. Humans shouldn’t be busy. I’m in violation of The “Hey, Human. Don’t Be Busy Clause.”

If, necessity is the mother of invention, I need to invent a way to stop not being so unbusy all the time.

Ominous Signs at the Periphery VI

From April 15

The mosaic I've been painting is starting to become clearer as time goes on. Look for the FED to be forced to quit hiking rates causing the dollar to begin ANOTHER down draft along w/ the stock market. If the housing market FINALLY bursts, its all over. I'll keep you updated..D


N.Y. manufacturing hits 2-year low

New York Fed index tumbles in April; rising oil pushes import prices up at fastest rate in 2 years.
April 15, 2005: 9:45 AM EDT

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An index of New York manufacturing conditions fell to a two-year low in April, while rising oil costs pushed U.S. import prices up at their fastest pace in more than two years.

The Federal Reserve Bank of New York said Friday the general business conditions index of its Empire Manufacturing Survey tumbled to 3.1 in April from a revised 20.2 in March, sharply below the consensus forecast of 19.

Treasury bond prices rose after the Fed survey, sending long-term bond yields lower, as investors bet the Fed will not need to speed up interest rate increases to head off inflation. The New York Fed is one the Fed's regional banks.

Separately, the Labor Department said U.S. import prices rose 1.8 percent in March, the biggest increase since January 2003.

Excluding a 10.6 percent jump in the cost of imported petroleum, import prices increased 0.3 percent.

Wall Street economists had expected import prices to rise 1.2 percent in March. Export prices rose 0.7 percent, more than double the expected 0.3 percent gain.

Over the past 12 months import prices have climbed a steep 7.1 percent, reflecting a 36.1 percent surge in the cost of petroleum that has stirred concerns over both inflation and a potential weakening in economic growth.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Stupid Reviews

by request......exerpts from a novel I started writing a few years ago...

We have to write our own reviews at work. It’s this big spreadsheet formatted so that there is not room where you need it. It’s completely generic and has nothing to do with my job. There are slight changes every year. Some of them looked familiar though, so I checked back to the review of two years ago. They are identical, so I look back again. My employer rotates the same two every two years. We're all too dumb to notice, because we only do reviews once a year and we're generally busier than a one-armed octopus at broomstick convention.

It is not always easy being the smartest.

What next? Will we have to bitch at ourselves for being late?

A recession is approaching. Times are getting tough. We’re going to have to cut some expenses. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let me go. I’m very impressed with my review though. I’m a very valued employee who is just an unfortunate victim of rough economic times, so I am going to offer me a very generous severance package.

What’s that? I don’t accept it?

Fine then. Go to hell, Mr. Soupkitchen!!

Stupid Mug

I just spilled my coffee. That shouldn't be a problem with my big, fancy spill-proof mug.

We have a concept here at work. The crazy lady with the mivi-van probably uses it. It is W.A.D. Works as designed for those of you scoring along at home. .

I don't think my coffee mug falls under the realm of Wad. When it fell over, the lid popped off.
Nice.

Speaking of crazy ladies at work, I think I saw her husband yesterday. He looks like my friend’s dad. Rather, he looks like my friend’s dad looked when I last saw him twenty or so years ago. He worked for GM and was this big Union guy. He was “buy American” before “buy American” was cool.

I like Stupid. I’m going to start having more stupid posts.

Starting…right …. NOW!

Nah. Not just yet.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Evil Clock.

Don’t stare at the clock.

The crazy lady at work may or may not be staring at a clock in her office if she has one. I don't even know if she has an office. She does have a mini-van though. Somewhere, someone is needlessly avoiding stereo-types, because I haven’t finished my stereo-typing post.

That clock just stares back. Slacker. Questions of advice that I should answer sit unanswered in e-mail…In gmail. Dozens of invites unused.

The morning drags on like no other draggie thing has ever drug at it’s highest dragging potential. Signs of an economic collapse do nothing for me. Usually such a thing, especially during a Republican President’s term, would have me all giddy.

Eleven days until vacation. The beach. The salt water. Fishing. All implied therein.

That clock won’t move. How can I turn the calendar, if the clock won’t move?

What’s up with Idol? Fake? As if anyone who watches will care whether or not it is a fraud. All of commercial TV and radio is fraud. Maybe a (finally) new episode of “Lost” will help. I still don’t really care about the Mavericks. I hope the win..just not enough to watch it.

The Rangers have a day game Wednesday. That’ll get me through a couple hours. I quit looking at the beach cam. I thought it would help, but it only made things worse.

Work? Right. That’s right, boss. Nope.

Ok. If I work on adding some bad grammar to this post, maybe I won’t notice the 30 minutes between now and lunch.

Blanca!!!! BBQ….neeed bbq…

This post blows. There’s no way I’m publishing it.

Ominous Signs at the Periphery V

from April 14, 2005

Historically, April is one of the strongest months for the stock market for obvious reasons (IRAs, Bonus payouts, etc), but yet with so many cracks in the economy becoming more evident, even the trend traders have to bow to economic fundamentals. The summer is my best guess as to when the sh** really starts to hit the fan...Good luck...

General Motors (GM: news, chart, profile) was another notable decliner on the Dow, down 4.7% on concern discretionary spending on items such as cars would fall in lockstep with an economic slowdown.

Ahead of the bell, two economic reports allowed investors to take the pulse of the U.S economy.

First-time claims for state unemployment benefits fell by 10,000 to 330,000 in the week ended April 9, roughly in line with economist forecasts. See full story.

Meanwhile, U.S. businesses added 0.5% to their inventories in February while their sales fell 0.4%, the Commerce Department said. The drop in sales was the largest since April 2003.

The dollar gained against the yen after the International Monetary Fund drastically slashed its growth forecast for Japan. The euro got a cross-trading kick lower on the greenback's rise against the Japanese currency. See currencies.

Gold futures tumbled as the strength of the dollar sapped interest in the precious metal.

On the bond market, long-term U.S. Treasurys rallied on the weaker-than-expected salescomponent of the business inventories data.

Friday, April 29, 2005

No Post today

Work is waaaay too busy, so there will be absolutely no post of any kind today.

Dang it..

Well, since we're all here... As if I’m not already far enough behind on “Ominous Signs at the Periphery” and answering all “ask Shayne” e-mail I’m getting, I will soon introduce to more special programs to “I’ve Come to Save the World From Me.”

I promise I’m not just adding these, because I love what some people refer to as “quotation marks.”

Soon, I’ll start “The Weekly Hangdog” and “The Monthly or So Buddha.”

Until then, stay right where.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Suicidal pigeon

So, I’m driving to work Tuesday morning. I drive to work nearly every Tuesday morning, as well as most other mornings between Monday and Friday, so there wasn’t much interesting about this particular drive. At least not at first.

If you have ever driven (drove? Ask
Shayne) in rural areas, and don’t live in rural areas, you know how tense you get when a farm dog starts running along very close to your car and barking at your wheels. I think dogs may hate things that spin. I think that is why they chase their tales. But I digress. You like digress, don’t you? I did it again. You fear the dog is going to get too close, and you’re going to run over it.

After years of dogs running along your car and barking at your tires, you gain comfort in knowing that the dog will probably not stop barking at your wheels for the greener pastures of barking at your radiator.

Squirrels are different though. So are cats. I think cats erroneously expect the whole world to revolve around them. Thus, they think that all oncoming drivers will do their best to avoid cats sashaying across the street. Squirrels are just nuts. (Sorry.)

What about birds? Don’t birds always hop onto the road for a quick bite of over-presumptuous cat or slow squirrel or tumble popcorns? And they always, ALWAYS fly away just before the car gets to them.

Don’t birds do that? ALWAYS! Every bird I’ve ever seen in every road my entire life has taken flight before being hit, usually with seconds to spare.

That’s what I thought too.

Tuesday morning, one pigeon in Texas didn’t fly away in time. I heard the sickening thump on the front of my car. I’m a bird killer. I can’t get than thump out my mind. It just keeps ringing eerily and thumpily over and over and over. Should I say and over one more time? I think I won’t.

And over. I did it anyway! Take that, evil doer!

What was I saying?

Ahhhh yes, I was just about to tell you about this crazy lady at work…

Ominous Signs at the Periphery IV

From March 23, 2005

Oil around $60, Commodities at 20 year highs, Gold at $440 and a crashing dollar and now the FED admits the inflation picture is troubling them..What a JOKE of a central bank...I feel sorry for those left holding the bag w/ all these bubbles floating around. I smell a Japan like deflation epicode once housing FINALLY cracks. Good luck.

Fed signals concern on inflation
By Andrew Balls in Washington
Published: March 22 2005 14:05 Last updated: March 22 2005 19:17

The US Federal Reserve on Tuesday signalled increased concern about inflation, as it again raised interest rates by a quarter point to 2.75 per cent.

The rise was widely expected, and the policymaking Federal Open Market Committee said it expected to continue raising rates at a “measured” pace, generally interpreted to mean quarter point increases.

But the central bank held out the possibility that it might have to move more aggressively to curb inflationary pressures, or at least to continue with quarter-point increases for longer than investors had been expecting.

“Though longer-term inflation expectations remain well contained, pressures on inflation have picked up in recent months and pricing power is more evident,” the statement said.

The FOMC said it saw the risks to growth and inflation as roughly equal. But, in contrast to its statement in January, it made clear that this judgment was based on “appropriate monetary policy action”.

Fed starts to look less less friendly

Quotable"Every previous major bear market has been accompanied by a bear market in home prices… A home price decline of as little as 20% would put a lot of people in bankruptcy."- John John Templeton, Equities Magazine, July 2003

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I've Come to Save the Weedeater.

Dear, Shayne.

Is the past-tense of "weed-eat" actually weed-ate? Or weed-eated? And you can't go with "weed-whacked" or "had weed-eaten" because that is a copout.


That is an very good the asked question, my dear The Question Asking Person of beautiful blue planet.

This is a very easy one for me, since I have all the answers as well as some correct answers. This, I can tell you without the slightest trace of ambivalence, is one of those.

You can not use “weedate.” Nor can you use “weedated.” Either would sound as if you have an usually strong fondness for your lawn equipment. Although there are some girls with less personality than weed-eaters who may say “weedated.” I vehemently deny all accusations as their attempt to ride the coat-tails of the fame which I have attained in spite of them..

The correct past tense is “weed-eated,” as in “I weed-eated the yard yesterday with my weed-eater.”

I consulted my wife, who is a very lovedear and Australian to me, on this issue. She said that all of those are incorrect. You would not have weed-eated the yard with your weed-eater. You would have “whippersnipped” the garden with your “whippersnipper.”

Either is probably acceptable without fear of copout . It may boil down to the where from which you are from, if not others.

Incidentally, this Q&A obviously begs the question, so good luck with your how out there!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Ominous Signs at the Periphery III

From 3/22/2005

The U.S. Dollar's Days as the World's Reserve Currency are Numbered
March 22, 2005
Peter Schiff is C.E.O. and Chief Global Strategist at Euro Pacific Capital, Inc.

In the 20th Century, the U.S. dollar became the world's reserve currency because it was the coin of the world's leading economy. In the “Bizzaro” 21st Century economy, this causality has reversed. Today, the primary reason the U.S. remains the world's leading economy is because the dollar still serves as the reserve currency. However, if market fundamentals can ever manage to re-assert themselves, this is a reality that can, and indeed must, change.

In the past, foreign citizens accumulated U.S. dollars so they could purchase American-made goods. Today, foreign central banks accumulate dollars so that Americans can purchase foreign-made goods. In the past, profits from her exports allowed America to become the world's greatest lender. Today, in order to fund her gargantuan trade deficit, America has become the world's greatest borrower. The dollar's reserve currency status allows “rich” Americans to continuously borrow what “poor” foreigners save, and consume what foreigners produce. Without such status, America's consumption would be limited by its own production, and its borrowing confined by its domestic savings. In such a world, Americans would have a standard of living far lower than the one currently enjoyed.

The U.S. dollar index, which has fallen over 30% in three years, rose for the first week in five, after ending last week within 2% of its all time record low set back in 1992. With the dollar's technical and fundamental outlook deteriorating, a test of those lows is imminent. A significant break below this long term support could send the dollar tumbling. Without considerable, coordinated, global central bank intervention, the dollar's value could be halved. Even if massive, unprecedented intervention is successful, its effects will be temporary at best. This looming dollar crisis cannot be prevented, only delayed, and only at the expense of exacerbating the collapse.

The dollar was originally accepted as the world's reserve currency mainly because America flooded the world with low-cost, high-quality manufactured goods (being convertible into gold also helped). In America, the words "it’s imported" were synonymous with "it’s expensive." If a product malfunctioned, a common expression was "it must have been made in Japan." In fact, the Japanese had such a hard time overcoming this stereotype that they actually name a city in Japan, USA, so they could label their product "made in USA." Today the exact opposite is true, as imports are inexpensive, while domestically produced products are high cost. Japanese manufactures now enjoy the reputation for quality that American manufactures lost.

The main reason America was so competitive was that it had a comparative advantage in freedom. American business incurred lower taxes and faced fewer regulations than business in any other country. Further, Americans themselves were among the world’s most frugal, with high domestic savings financing capital investments. Limited government and high savings combined to allow American business to pay the highest wages in the world while still producing the least expensive products. Today America is just as highly-taxed and regulated as most other countries, and more so than many, and Americans themselves are now among the world's most profligate.

For a time, America has been able make up for its lack of exports by offering its trading partners the promise of greater financial returns on their dollars investments. However, since America now has the lowest real interest rates in the world (they are, in fact, negative) and the most over-valued stock and real estate markets, private foreign investors have no compelling reason to accumulate dollars. Not surprisingly, the principal buyers have been foreign central banks, who after all are spending taxpayer's money. There can be no question that panicked foreign central banks, which bow to political expedience, not rational self-interest, are the buyers of last resort, and that the dollar's days as the world's reserve currency are numbered.

The main reason that the US dollar is still the world's reserve currency is that few understand how completely the fabric of the American economy has been rewoven. In fact, the US economy functions in a manner which would be completely impossible were it subject to normal market forces. However, by issuing the world's reserve currency, it has been immune to these forces, and thus its economy has evolved in a most unnatural way. Recent trial balloons launched by various Asian central banks, concerning diversifying their foreign exchange reserves; indicate that the dollar's reserve currency status may already be at risk. Once that status is lost, the process of returning to economic viability will be quite painful, and will involve substantial austerity from both the US government and its citizens. Whether America is up to the task still remains to be seen, and though I am skeptical, I nevertheless remain hopeful.

Monday, April 25, 2005

My first review?

I THINK I got myfrist review Friday! I'm just not smart enough to know for sure. Check out the comment from 'Thought & Humor'!

I've Come to Save the World From Me!: Ominous Signs at the Periphery II

I did see the words "riveting" and "Harvard," so I think I am probably The Very and The Good!

Either way, I'd like to thank "Thought and Humor" for being thoughtful enough and humorous enough to complement the Me. Since no one else does. I hate all of you. Just kidding. I love both of you...I guess now I can say I love all three of you.

Now. Where are the rest of you? Who else will compliment me? Rise above the masses of Ye of...er...East! That's it. Rise above the masses of Yeast!

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Great Urinal Crisis of 2005

One of the Men’s rooms where I work has four urinals. The third urinal from the left (second from the right for you Euros) is some sort of kid’s urinal or something. It is really low and doesn’t have the wall things on the side, so as with a narrow ledge on a high mountain wall, there is too much exposure. Thus, no one wants to use it. We’re pretty much stuck with urinals 1, 2 and 4.

As you may or may not know, men are not allowed to use urinals next to one another. Only every other urinal may be occupied. If you enter the men’s room and urinal 1 is in use, you go to 3 or 4. If you enter the men’s room and 1 and 3—or 2 and 4—are occupied, you have use a stall or find another men’s room. I don’t know anyone else has thought this through, but this means that half the world’s urinals remain unused. And we thought global warming was a problem.

I don’t know why that is how it is. That is just how it is.

In the particular men’s room, urinal 4 (urinal 1 if you’re a Democrat) is out of order. At least I think it’s out of order. It is wrapped in clear plastic. I’m not gonna try it. That leaves us with urinals 1 through 3 that work, and as we discussed above, every fears the mini urinal.

So in that men’s room, we’ve really only got one usable urinal. I’d say that’s around 25% efficiency. Think they’d let me get away with 25%? They’d can my a**. No pun intended.

There you have the Great Urinal Crisis.

Pea free, world!

Ominous Signs at the Periphery II

From 3/16/2005

Realize that the GM plant in Arlington only makes SUV's and Trucks. This company CAN easily go BK, as it has 300BBBBillion in debt that trades like junk bonds....As analyst we must look for signs at the periphery of a cratering economy to beat the masses at trading...We will continue to follow the anecdotal evidence that the US "House of Cards" is about to come crashing down. Good Luck.

GM Shares Drop on Lower Profit Outlook
Wednesday March 16, 9:44 am ET
General Motors Shares Skid After Co. Lowers Its Earnings Guidance on Weak N. American Sales

DETROIT (AP) -- General Motors Corp. sharply lowered its earnings guidance Wednesday, citing lower North American sales and production volumes and a tougher pricing environment. Its shares skidded 12 percent lower in early trading.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Doctor is In

I read many blogs. I see lots of questions. I’ve learned that someone asking a question does not mean they want an answer. Sometimes they just ask.

Since I’ve come to save the world, I am offering this service to the world. I am your new advise guy person. (That's right. That's what I said.) It will comfort you to know that I am always right. I thought I was wrong once, and that turned out to be it.

Ask away. Just email me or post an anonymous comment. If you’re not a big scaredie-cat, then post a non-anonymous question. In a couple days, I’ll post your dilemma and my advice. This way, I not only save you, but I help the world.

The doctor is out.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ominous Signs at the Periphery

A very shrewd friend of mine follows our economy very closely. For the past month or so, he has been sending us info that points to some rough times ahead. "Who is 'us'," you ask? Well, I could ask you the same question. My friend refers to these bits of info; these peices of evidence; these, what we in the economic world like to call, "economic indicators"; as "Ominous Signs at the Periphery." That's what I will call them, because I can't think of anything better.

I should have been doing this all along, but I slack. I slack real hard and good, and I slack often. As another step towards saving the world, I will start sharing this information with you, dear reader of “I’ve Come to Save the World From Me.”

I’ve got too much slacking to do now though, so I’ll start tomorrow or the next day…to make sure you have plenty of time to prepare. I’ll update every couple days, starting with his older e-mails, and we’ll do our best to catch up. Mmmm….ketchup.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Getting to Know You

I got this off of Sara’s blog who got it off of Becca's blog. I bet Jay and Scott will get it off my blog. The important thing is that we all get it off somewhere. Sara took out some that were dumb. That makes me sad, because dumb is my favorite monkey salad.

1. First Name: Don’t mind if I do!
2. Were you named after anyone? I was named after a garage door named Mikie.
3. Do you wish on stars? No, it gives me gas.
4. When did you last cry? Right now. I hate this.
5. Do you like your handwriting? It’s my favorite time of year!
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Sardines.
7. What is your date of birth?: I’ll let you know when I get out.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD?: Durango Brothers.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? : Only if I let me be myself around me.
10. Are you a daredevil? Only if it involves fire and monkeys and nobody gets hurt.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, especially the sardine.
12. Do looks matter? It really doesn’t matter whether or not looks matter.
13. How do you release anger? I’m ambidextrous, and I’m not really sure who “you” is.
14. Where is your second home? San Juan National Forest.
15. Do you trust others easily? Who wants to know? Why do you ask? Where did you get this number? I’m not really who you claim I am.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? I always really loved—and still do love—tinkering with the fabric of time, even though it can make me feel kinda cheap.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? All of us truly intelligent types are viciously sarcastic, so are Aussies.
20. What are your nicknames? I’ve been know us up to, but not all inclusive, from most recent back: El Guapo, Shayne the Mono, President Lincoln of Constantinople, Jim and Stinky Nappy. 21. What is a name nobody should ever call you? Universe.
22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? It depends on what type of mood they are in. Sometimes they kick me like a gravy.
23. Do you think that you are strong? I won’t claim to be or to not be strong, but I will tell you this. I’ve strong or not strong sometimes. Sometimes, other times.
24. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?: Who screamed?
25. Shoe Size? I’d rather not, thank you.
26. Red or pink? I definitely prefer red, but I very whitish shade of red.
27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I really really hate the fact that there is nothing about me to hate. Not even hate.
28. Who and/or what do you miss most?: The thing I miss most about most is mostly the misty moss. I like German pancakes though.
30. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? They’re sort of a skinnish no-pant color. Hey! My pants are gone!!
31. What are you listening to right now? The sound of my heart beat next to mine.
32. What is something you hate? Hate is such a strong word. See question 17.
33. If you were a color what would you be? A giraffe!
34. What is the weather like right now? It just stopped raining. It reminds me of Christmas, only more rainier.
35. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jim Morrison
36. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? How funny it is when she trips or bumps into something while staring at me.
38. Favorite Drink? Pizza
40.where would you like to be right now? In my stomach with a pinch of race car and a planet of the apes.
41. Eye Color? Well since you put it that way!
42. Do you wear contacts? No. I just keep them in my contacts list and never contact them. Ever.
43. Favorite food: Beer or tequila. If I could drink again. If only I could drink again.
44. Last Movie You Watched? House of Wax. Vincent Price looks like a guy at work.
45. Favorite Day Of The Year? Day before yesterday, one year from now.
46. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? I like scary happy endings where everybody dies except Earth!
47. Summer Or Winter? How about later?
48. Hugs or Kisses? It depends on whether or not he or she is my wife.
49. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Guadalupe.
52. Living arrangements? Mostly upstairs and downstairs.
53. What Books Are You Reading? I can't read or write.
54. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Some cheese and coffee.
55. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I think it was a show about a really bad snow storm or some burning corn flakes.
56. Favorite Smells? Mowing grass,then pouring beer and cheese all over the mower and setting it on fire. It smells like happy.
57. Favorite Sounds? My ears hearing things.
58. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.
60. What's the farthest you've been from home? Work.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Work is stupid

It keeps me from not working.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Shoot the caller.. pt 2

Paul Harvey must have the day off, so let's go to Jay for the rest of the story...

Jay's Meaningful And Sometimes Thoughtless Thoughts: Shoot the caller.. pt 2

How's it be, Jay?

Shoot the caller..

Dateline Watauga, TX. Precious few miles from me.

Monday night, an apparent waste of flesh and bones named Lori in Watauga, TX decided to waste my tax dollars and call 911 because her 12- and 14-year-old daughters were fighting.

Maybe she doesn’t completely understand the concept of EMERGENCY. Maybe she’s just an idiot. I’m going with the latter.

The younger of the two Watauga brats had kicked a hole in a door. Here is the transcript of what followed:

CALLER: The 12-year-old is completely out of control, and I can’t—physically… She’s as big as I am. I can’t control her

DISPATCHER: Okay, did you want us to come over and shoot her?

[several moments of silence]

CALLER: Excuse me?

DISPATCHER: That’s a joke.

Dare I say genius? The remark itself isn’t great, but the context makes it genius. Let us all take a moment to lift our glasses in salute and extol the greatness of Mike Forbess.

I guess that since they were at home instead of at Walmart, Lori was unable to beat her kids.

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-disp14.html

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Don’t Not Be Gay if You Are

I know someone who is gay and hasn’t admitted it to him/herself. To protect this person’s identity, I’m not going to tell you which Andy it is. We’ll just let the two of them fight it out.

You should just be who you are. It is very tough being what you are not. Very stressful. It IS easier if you can find a place to be around others with identity crises. Since there is no Church of the Closet Homosexual, they can’t all get together and not be what they are.

When you try to be something you’re not, you end up feeling guilty, unhappy, bitter and discontent. This isn’t just an issue with closet homosexuals though. Everyone wants to be rich and/or famous, so they do things to convince everyone they are. All it leads to are terrible things like debt and political correctness.

I’ll never forget the sign I saw in the bathroom of El Hacienda Ranch restaurant in Frisco, TX. “Be what you is. If you don’t, they sho nuff gonna find out what you ain’t.”

Monday, April 11, 2005

T-Shirt of the Week!

“I’m not worthless. I can be used as a bad example.”

Friday, April 08, 2005

He ain't Kinky. He's my Governor

Subject: Get Kinky in 2006
From: "Kinky Friedman"
Date: Mon, March 28, 2005 3:02 pm

Please forward this email on to your friends and family and tell them that you're supporting my Independent Campaign for Governor. Ask them to sign up to restore real representation to the Texas Governor's office here:
http://www.kinkyfriedman.com/volunteer.html

Current Texas election laws make it nearly impossible for a non-party candidate to get on the ballot. Perhaps this explains why only 25 percent of eligible Texas voters participated in the last gubernatorial election. The career politicians are keeping the elevator at the penthouse floor and not sending it down for the rest of us.

Texas was founded by independent, courageous, honorable citizens. The last great Independent elected governor of Texas was Sam Houston, over a hundred and fifty years ago. Texas needs a strong independent voice, if it is ever to regain its greatness. If you elect me, I'll be the first Governor in Texas history with a listed phone number.

Please spread the word, we're just getting started.

Thank you,

Kinky Friedman

EDUCATION REFORM: Priority One
The young people of Texas are our future, and we must treat them assuch. They are our number one resource for that future. The currentgovernment seems to prefer band-aids over solid planning for the next generations of Texas. A Texas revolution is needed in our school systems. "No teacher left behind" - Kinky Friedman

Texas is #1 in drop out rates and #48 in education spending. Our children deserve so much more. Texas is also 48th in per capita child protection expenditures, as well as 49th in general, 46th in mental health, 45th in public health, 49th in state art agency, 44th in highway, and 49th in water quality expenditures. The Austin American-Statesman is correct: "It's Texas vs. Mississippi in a race to the bottom."

Teachers are Kinky's heroes, along with police, soldiers, firefighters, and cowboys. Each of us remembers a teacher who made an impact on and changed our lives for the better. Kinky intends to identify these special people and seek their advice in creating a vibrant, responsive and forward-looking education system for Texas."Politicans appear to be more interested in French cuffs than solving our problems." – Kinky Friedman

TEXAS PEACE CORPS
Kinky will create an in-state volunteer agency, modeled after the Peace Corps, in which he served, to promote the arts and life skills in Texas schools. Musicians and artists, along with retired teachers, business executives, and police, will join us in teaching our kids how to act, play music, paint, write a check, keep accounts, and stay out of trouble. Kinky will ask his friends, including Laura Bush, Willie Nelson, Richard `Racehorse' Haynes, and former UT Coach Darrell Royal, to lead this effort. "Never say **** in front of a c-h-i-l-d." – KinkyFriedman

CRIMINAL JUSTICE REFORM
Kinky is not anti-death penalty, just opposed to executing the wrong person! DNA has released dozens of improperly convicted people from death rows all over America. We've learned that juries and testimony are not infallible. There are cases in which the death penalty is warranted, but there is no disputing the obvious: Texas executes people who may be innocent. Taking a life is a grave responsibility -no pun intended. Two thousand years ago an innocent man named Jesus Christ, was executed; Kinky's question is: "What have we learned in two thousand years?"
Texas law does not currently provide for a life without the possibility of parole. Judges and juries must either send someone to death row or risk having them eventually released due to good behavioror prison overcrowding. Kinky will change that with the stroke of a pen. Repeat and/or violent criminals deserve permanent homes, which Kinky will be happy to provide.

NEW ENERGY: Kinky To Make Texas #1 Again
For decades, Texas was #1 in US oil and gas exploration. It once evenled the world! Texas can reclaim its role as world leader in newenergy production with alternative solutions. Kinky is our `energizer' candidate.

WILLIE AND KINKY: Bio-Diesel Buddies
Bio-diesel fuel powers Willie Nelson's famous bus, the Honeysuckle Rose. Bio-diesel, eco-friendly and produced from agricultural products– even reclaimed frying grease - is a first step in the right direction. Willie will work with Kinky in promoting and developing bio-diesel and all of Texas' vast, untapped, environmentally friendly resources. Currently, we're using this fuel source for landfill. Surely, pulling a rutabaga out of the ground is more cost-effective than drilling a two-mile-deep hole in the sand. "How hard could it be?" - Kinky Friedman.

ABOLISH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Political correctness must be abolished. Texans need to be told the truth. Texans do not need opaque, carefully scripted press releases.."A man oughtta be able to light his cigar once in a while." – KinkyFriedman

DE-WUSSIFICATION
Our icons are being demeaned. Cowboys are no longer heroes for our children, but subject to derision. We are being laughed at instead of respected in the rest of the country. What has happened to our glorious heritage? This is the great state of Texas! We are not wusses, we are Texans. "We will beat back the wussification of Texas if we have to do it one wuss at a time." - Kinky Friedman.

IN SUMMARY
KINKY MAY BE THE ONLY PERSON IN TEXAS WHO CAN MAKE REAL CHANGES IN HOW TEXANS ARE GOVERNED, PROTECTED AND SUPPORTED BY THEIR LEADERS. TEXAS NEEDS HELP. WE NEED TO PUT A REAL GOVERNOR ON HER. VOTE KINKY. YOU'LL LIKE IT.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Shayne Hater

Check out Blanca's Adventure Blog...

Blanca's Adventure Blog

So much venom towards the Shayne and Jay. Very good though. Blanca may be a genius! IF that is his REAL name!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Trips, Baby. Captain Trips

I have an annoucement to make to all of my readers. Both of you. I was really sick last week, so I haven't posted here in what may seem to many or both of you like forever. Let me just sat that. And Also.

I will get back to you with more after later happens... On that, you can.

Friday, March 25, 2005

An Apology

Not THE Apology. What do I look like? Socrates? First, I’d like to apologize for stealing Jay’s apology shtick. I’d also like to apologize that Jay ever used the apology shtick. It is stupid. It is so stupid that I will probably never use or steal it from Jay, or anyone else, again.

However, an apology is in order. On Tuesday’s post, I sorta built up that Wednesday’s post would be good. I believe I said—and I quote, “...maƱana I’m thinking of being awake. If so, tomorrow’s post should be one the of the best, if not the best post, that I post all day!!” But don’t quote me on that, since I preserved the typo.

Even though I was possibly, what some might call awake, Wednesday’s post was a bit weak. I saw that bumper sticker and the chick on the phone Tuesday, and I says to myself, I says, “Say, Pete, (I forgot I was talking to myself) here’s a great opportunity for a give-up post.” Then I did it. The great American give-up post of 2005.

So I apologize for the Wednesday’s weak post. I apologize for stealing Jay’s shtick. I apologize for being sick yesterday and not providing you with your daily wisdom. I apologize for this over-apologetic post.

Until tomorrow… Or the next day….or the next. Maybe never. But sometime next week.