I've Come to Save the World From Me!

Why Waste Time on .5 Donkey?

2012-01-16T20:27:00.002-06:00

Why Waste Time on Half-Ass?

It doesn’t benefit anybody. The person for whom you did (didn’t do) the work has to redo it or hire someone else to do it well. You don’t get the satisfaction of a job well done. You don’t get asked to do the job again. You contribute nothing to any greater good. You don’t even contribute anything to yourself. You waste resources—most importantly time—of your own and the person who hired you.

The same thing applies to your own work. Don’t waste your time faking your way through an exercise. Focus, give your best efforts and enjoy the results. Don’t waste your time hiding clothes under your bed. Hang them up nicely and neatly. Don’t waste your time on a hastily made bed. Make it nicely in neatly. Remove the clutter from your space. Remove the clutter from your mind. Relish in work well done.

I’ve only got about four of those that I need to work on.

Changing the Way I Blog

2011-10-28T12:24:00.018-05:00

I am changing the way I blog. Up until now, I’ve worked and worked on posts and, never finished them. They would get longer and longer (too long) and most importantly, never get finished. Then there are those frequent times when I would change my mind and have to scratch the whole thing and start over. My previous post was almost two years ago.

Now I will publish in pieces. Instead of waiting to publish a finished product, I’m going to let you in on my thought processes. I’ll first post an outline and summary. Then I’ll post a separate entry for each thought. If I change my mind about something, I’ll just rewrite and repost. Incidentally, I’ll also draw attention to the fact that I changed my mind. It is possible, even for someone as highly-evolved and refined as me, to learn something new or consider a different or new perspective, and allow your mind to change.

Keep in mind that such madness does require and open mind as well as the willingness to listen to and research other perspectives. I realize that’s not for everyone, but it has resulted in drastic improvements in my own well-being. I recommend that everyone at least give it a shot.

But I digress. Something I do not intend to change about the way I blog.

This is based on advice from Steve Jobs, Seth Godin and Jon Acuff.

Jon Acuff said, “80% perfect and published will always change more hearts than 100% perfect and stuck in your head.” This is especially true, since most of my ideas are closer to 70% perfect in my head.

Seth Godin says in his book Linchpin, “Not shipping on behalf of your goal of changing the world is often a symptom of the resistance. Call its bluff, ship always, and then change the world.”

Steve Jobs said, “Real artists ship.”

That’s deep.

I will no longer let those ideas rot inside my head. I’ll let them out into the sun, give them some water and see if they grow.

[I am publishing this one now, then coming back to add hyperlinks. Not a bad start.]

New Year's Revolution Review

2010-01-18T14:15:00.003-06:00

Well, it's that time again. 10:39am. December. [I finished this on January 18, still without 2010 Revolutions.] Time to start thinking about New Year's Resolutions. New Year's Resolutions used to be easy for me. They were like a Self-Improvement Ronco Rotisserie. Make 'em and forsake 'em.

2009 ruined everything. I made a horrible mistake. I published my New Year's Resolutions, which were more goals than resolutions, and asked my friends to hold me accountable for them. I am happy to say that my friends didn't help me at all. I'll take that back later. The down side was that my resolutions were out there on the Internet for everyone to see. I tried to forget them, but they haunted me like a garlic-stuffed green olive that you have at lunch and enjoy the rest of the day. They wouldn't go away. They compelled me to keep them. They compelled like a super-massive compelly thing.

Counting my Fifth Resolution, there were five in all. Let's run up the list from bottom to top and see how I did.

5. Determine a 5th Resolution - I immediately jumped right on that one after a few months of forgetting about it. I figured out that before I could ever fully fulfill Resolutions 2, 3 and 4, I would have to do something about my financial situation. So my wife and I decided to get out of debt. We are well on our way. We started in May. We haven't used a credit card since. We payed off about $15,000 of debt along with hail storm repair (both cars and a new roof), three surgeries, heater repairs, refrigerator repairs, new tires, car repairs, birthday parties and Resolution number 4. In March, we barely had enough room on AMEX to charge two nights in San Antonio. Now were getting ready to lay down sweet, clean, cold, hard cashola for air fare to SPAIN, where we will spend a month this summer. How good are we? Very.

Unrelated, but here is a word of warning from our experience. If you want to remain comfortably broke and maintain simple problems like food and rent, then please avoid budgeting like the plague. And don't even think about working any over time. I think this may have been a horrible mistake. Seriously, life was so much more simple then. Three days in San Antonio was easy to fill. Dine in a couple nice restaurants, rush through the zoo and run up and down the river walk a couple times. Then come home and anxiously await the credit card bill. Now how the hell am I supposed fill an entire month in Spain? Really. What am I supposed to do? Hang out in a pub all night and lay on a Valencian beach all day, day after day with no computer beeping or iPhone ringing? And what purpose will my life have when I return home and don't have a mountain of debt to pay off?

Whatever will I do.

4. Give More - We just thought we had given well in 2008. We increased our giving 5 fold. It feels wonderful. Nothing is more fulfilling than Giving. I recommend it. When we Gave in previous years, we usually charged it. We increased our Giving by 500% while working on Resolution number 5. It's a start, but nowhere near what I'm after. Gotta boost the income some more. Gotta get more free time. Got some ideas, just need to breath some life into those ideas. Who is with me ?

3. Music - I must admit I barely squeaked by on this one. I started late, since Resolutions number 5 and 1 were getting all my attention. I did write a few new songs, recorded several old and new songs and jammed a few times. Didn't perform any or Deejay any, but the writing part was my biggest concern. And check this out. I'm writing right now, even as I type!

2. Fresh Air - I don't know if I can rightfully say I fulfilled this one, but I am. I took the family camping twice and camped with the guys once. Went fishing with my Dad and Step-brother once. I put in just over 1,000 miles on my bike. Even though working so hard on Resolution number 5 made this one pretty difficult, we got out a few times.

1. Outlaw Rest Stop - Ok, I take back what I said about my friends not helping me at all. I really appreciate the encouragement from Blanca, Ken and Barbarosa, and I appreciate Ken for sticking with my during all those miles of training. I really only almost killed him only once. Low and behold, Goal number one was accomplished on Saturday, August 29th when I came coasting into the Outlaw beer stop of the Hotter'N Hell 100. Even rode a few more miles after the stop to complete about 106 miles for the day.

I consider this year a huge success. All the "surprises" presented to my family should have made this year the worst year ever, but we turned it into our best. We didn't sit in front of the TV sucking our thumbs while a bad year happened to us. Life dealt us a weak hand this year, but we played some hard cards. Life thought we were bluffing and rode a weak straight. We just kept smiling our silly smiles and kept throwing in chips when Life Raised the stakes.

Coming up next: New Year's Revolution v 10.0

Maybe.

Sans Sugar: Day 4

2010-01-18T09:46:00.003-06:00

Finally, I started writing about a day on the day that day is happening. Today. Of course, by the time you read this, today will probably be yesterday or last week. Maybe even earlier today. Get back with me when you think you know.

I've had moments of strong cravings today. Really wanted some tator tots. I can get a huge basket of tots, enough to live on through dinner, for a buck! There is a Reese's Peanut Butter bell on my desk. It has been there since Christmas. I'm showing that Reese's Peanut Butter bell just how much I can resist it. I've wondering if some DDP would make it easier.

Around 2:30, I started feeling hungry. Very hungry. I had a big salad and chicken schnitzel about noon, so I couldn't be THAT hungry. Visions of Snickers began dancing in my head. I could here them calling me from the vending machine. Around 3:00, I started feeling really tired. With only an hour left in my work day, I was really hoping some fresh air would do the trick. I knew a chocolate milk shake would. Besides, I knew I would cheat by having Sliders and fries at Beer Thursday.

At 3:10, which seemed like several hours since 3:00, I began thinking maybe just a sip of DDP would get me to 4:00.

Here is another question that occurred to me today: What about the cheat day?

Sugar Busters allows one cheat day each week. I usually had cheat days on Saturdays. I'm thinking I shouldn't have a cheat day this week, since I will not have gone a full week without. Will it start the cravings all over again? Get back with me when you find out. I mean, I'll get back with you when you find out.

You know what I mean?

Sans Sugar: Day 3

2010-01-15T14:17:00.003-06:00

Back at work for Day 3 of no sugar. I stopped at Starbucks on the way to work. I ordered a tall decaf drip and gave them my mug to put it in. It ain't easy being green. I did add half a pack of raw sugar to my coffee.

I'm going to allow myself a little raw sugar in a little coffee a few days a week. As long as I cut way back, and as long as I cut out the processed stuff, I will be good.

After I left Starbucks, I got an idea for a book. I emailed some friends to see what they thought about a collaborative effort and they jumped on idea like Fried on Rice.

Writing is a sort of dream of mine. So is dreaming. I dream of writing. I should try to write of dreaming. I often dream of having more dreams. I'll get right to work on that tonight after I go to bed.

Please tell me what I'm talking about.

Are dreams like goals? If you write them down, are they ten times more likely to come true? I had this one with Scarlett Johansson. Isn't she, as a member of our great and human humanity, worth writing down? I think so.

I finished off the last empanada. The carbs are about to seriously be reduced now. I thought about getting a DDP, since it is sugar free. I'm pretty sure that nothing in it is natural, but I could use a little help. I'll have to take it before the beerd.

That's right. I said, "beerd."

I'm writing about Day 3 on Day 4. So far, nothing funny has happened yesterday, unless you think making blueberry and jellybean soft taco is funny. I'm still waiting.

Sans Sugar: Day 2

2010-01-14T13:11:00.003-06:00

Day two was surprisingly easy. I worked from home. Everything is easier working at home, especially working. It is just crazy how difficult it is working at work, but I guess that's why they call them cubes.

I did have a small square of 70% dark with a dab of Sprouts peanut butter.

I'm writing this on Day 4. Check back later to see how Day 3 went. I know I can't wait to find out.

By the way, nothing funny happened on this day, which is kinda funny in a way. If Day 3 were not already passed, I would commit myself to doing something worth writing about on Day 3. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

I do know this though. Maybe I do.

Sans Sugar: Day 1

2010-01-12T14:18:00.008-06:00

I had my yearly physical yesterday. My first in four years. A few minutes before I fainted, my doctor and I talked about my weight. She told me I needed to work exercise into my schedule no matter how busy I think I am. For those of you keeping score, she is right.

"Well, you're definitely not over weight," she said. "You are in good shape. Just for your record though, you are five pounds heavier than you were in March."

Did she just compliment me, then take it back?

Then she asked me about salt. Do I use much? Do I add extra to my food.

"No. No salt."

"What is your weakness?"

Damn it. She can see right through me. "Sweets. Chocolate," I replied.

"So how much to you have? Maybe something every day or so?"

Great. She's disgusted with me AND I'm probably diabetic. "Lots. Like a few times every day. I just need chocolate."

Busted.

Finally.

She doen't understand though. Her job is easy. If she had my job, she'd understand. We can't drink at work. She won't prescribe me any more Ultracet. The only other thing I have is Chocolate and Dr. Pepper.
Surely I jest. Shirley?

So I decided yesterday morning, a few minutes after I fainted, that I am going to cut down on my sweets. No more of my sweet, intoxicating, energy-boosting, mood-saving life-giving chocolate. I also decided that I will start exercising. New Year's Resolution? Maybe. I haven't really made any for this year. Which reminds me, I need to make my New Year's Resolutions for this year.

Yesterday wan't too bad. The cravings weren't bad. They weren't really even cravings, but I had some carbs from the weekends leftovers. When the leftovers are gone, the carbs are gone. Well, except for the 20 boxes of Turrón my mother-in-law sent us for Christmas.

In addition, I've stopped eating by 7:00pm every night but one since January 1. I'm doing well there.

Wish me luck!

Sans DDP - Day 2 Part II

2009-07-14T08:24:00.000-05:00

It did not occur to my while writing yesterday's post that the headache I was fighting was caused by my body craving caffeine. That realization did not occur until my drive home, so I finished the day sans DDP. If you've never had a caffeine headache, it is something like a mini-migraine or mini-hangover. The pain isn't intense, but it is sharp. My eyes are usually sensitive to bright light, but the caffeine headache makes it worse, especially with the 105 degree sunlight reflecting from every shiny surface. I just wanted darkness and the removal of the need to concentrate on anything.

I stopped at my favorite trendy grocery store in my 4th or 5th favorite affluent neighborhood. I dashed through grabbing coffee (chocolate and almond-flavored caffeine for the weekend, sir), milk (Moo Monday), bread and tortillas. Standing in the express line, I noticed a very sharply dressed man sporting a meticulously manicured hair of gel-darkened hair and a very bitter scowl. He skillfully managed to complete his transaction without lowering himself to speak to the checker.

Through the purple tint of my extremely cool sunglasses, my line attention darted back and forth between the two open check-out stands. They were both paying and bagging. Who would rise as the victorious winner of this race? The checkout stands had cards displayed which allowed shoppers to pick between donating $1, $3 or $5 to the local food bank. There is, of course, also the option of pretending to not notice the cards.

When my chance finally came, I pushed my groceries onto the counter and very loudly and cheerfully greeted the checker. In my usual style, I positioned myself in the most inconvenient position for handing the cashier the donation card I picked. Because of my position, I had reach way over the register and announce just as loudly and cheerfully, "Please add one of these!" I looked back at the line of customers to make sure my little drama had not gone unnoticed.

Yes, I did it so that the other customers could not pretend to not notice the card. I won't lie and say that is how I am. That is how I'm trying to be. Two very interesting things happened. First, the checker's mood seemed to perk up. He smiled and wished me a good day with what seemed to me genuine sincerity. Thinking my mission was accomplished, I loudly and cheerfully, although in retrospect, perhaps not as sincerely, wished him a good day and headed for a quick exit.

When I got into my car and began to back out of my parking space, I noticed my headache was gone. Addition by subtraction: There was one less grumpy checker and one less headache in the world. I am continuously amazed at the unexpected extra benefits and byproducts of Giving, even just five dollars and a friendly "Hello." I encourage you to experiment with spreading a little smiles, jokes and gifts. Go try to make someone laugh and get rid of some headaches.

Sans DDP - Day 2

2009-07-14T08:23:00.001-05:00

It's almost 3:00. If I can make it through 3:00 on a work day with no Diet Dr. Pepper, I can make the it the rest of the day. This is good.
I was kinda forced Saturday. The water at the restaurant we tried didn't really taste like dirt. Had it tasted like dirt, I could have forced it down. I assumed they used the same water to make their tea. I reluctantly turned to DDP, which welcomed me with open arms. Delicious, cold, fizzy arms.
Lunch is the most difficult time. I need the caffiene by then. My Sheppard's Pie cries for carbonation. The dark chocolate misses her old mate. One can't enjoy cookies without milk, nor dark chocolate without DDP. We three suffered together and will clock out with a victory.

Sometime Between Noon and the End of the World

2009-06-09T20:16:00.003-05:00

So who hasn't been through this?

Our A/C starts sounding like it has a train in it. A train that is about to explode. We couldn't hear Hell's Kitchen over roar and clamor, so we had to turn off the unit. Not even Gordon Ramsay could out-din it.

So we call on Friday and get an appointment for Monday. You know how it works. They said they'll be out Monday between Noon and 4 pm. I worked from home that day, so it didn't really matter when they came out. However, just for fun, the service technician arrived around 4:45. We knew what to expect. We were prepared, so it was no big deal.

Day 1: Forty-five minutes late.

The tech says our blower wheel coming apart. He doesn't have a part. He'll have to order a part. It should arrive Wednesday or Thursday, and we should try not to run the unit until he repairs it.

The A/C company called Wednesday, said the part had arrived, and we scheduled an appointment for Thursday after 4 pm. So I wait. I stayed in and watched movies to make sure I'd be home. The service tech finally calls at 7:50 pm and says he is on the way. Granted, he did replace the blower wheel pretty quickly after arriving around 8:30. I've done this a few times now, so I knew what to expect.

Day 1: Forty-five minutes late.

Day 2: Just late.

I think I see a pattern forming here.

Our A/C still didn't seem to be running correctly. Now it sounded like the train wasn't about to explode. It was just running full speed. We call them again Friday, saying that it is very loud and asked them to come check it again. They tell us the tech will come out Monday between noon and 4 pm. We were all off for Memorial Day, so we decided to do some shopping. You can't not barbecue on Memorial Day! We head out about 11:30am with three stores on our list. Keeping in mind the current pattern of the service technician's late arrivals, we assume we're safe to shop. His pattern would have him arriving half-way through burgers cooking and my second beer.

Day 1: Forty-five minutes late.

Day 2: Just late.

Day 3: 30 minutes early.

He calls at 11:30 am to tell us he is on the way. But aren't you usually really late? We're shopping. The first call was easy and didn't require much labor, so he's on the way. I drop my wife off and run to the grocery store, hoping to make it there and back by the time the technician arrives. I get home, and he had already been there and gone. The A/C was fine, and there was nothing he could do to make it run quieter.

I think I see another pattern forming.

Princess 1: My Dog Princess

2009-06-08T13:29:00.004-05:00

(I’m going to make up a story about my dog Princess that I don’t really have. This will serve as proof I have reached the deepest, darkest bowels of Nothing.

Hmmmm..it doesn’t sound so bad when I phrase it like that..)

My dog Princess is a giant poodle that I named Princess. I named him Princess, because I think every poodle should be named Princess, even if the poodle is a giant. If you make fun of Princess, he will eat you. One leg at a time. Starting with yours.

Princess has short, curly white hair and steel teeth. I think he likes sardines, because he always has one in his mouth. I don’t know where he finds the sardines, and I don’t ask. He wouldn’t answer. He would just eat me.

Princess is not known for his patience with small talk.

(Author’s note: In the interest of not having much, this will conclude today’s post. I’ve got to save something for later. Love me!)

See Princess 2!

Arguments and Omelets

2009-06-04T23:32:00.005-05:00

Arguing makes me tense. I don't do it. I don't want my parents to argue. I don't want the neighbors to argue. I don't want the people in other cubes to argue. I don't want my wife and kids to argue. I hate it. It makes me want to hide somewhere, but every time I hide it causes a big argument, which makes me even more tense.

And I hate tension. It makes me argumentative.

So I run into Costco to pick up pizza and potatoes. Don't ask. Walking in to Costco is also bad for me. Our best television is like 10 years old and I think it's only about a 20" screen. Costco has cell phones with bigger screens. To get to the potatoes, I have to pass through massive walls of big-screen, High-Definition digital magnificence....at really good prices, temptation for which I must resist. I have talk walk directly to the potatoes.

Tonight as I was just nearing the darkness at the end of Great Wall of LCD, I was greeted by the cold embrace of tension. It is strange, but I felt the tension before I actually heard the voices. There they were by a stack of computer boxes, a lovely couple in an obvious argument over whether or not to buy the computer.

I hate yelling. It makes me tense. I guess it reminds me of arguing. I have demanded few rules in my house. My number one rule is No Yelling. No Shouting for ANY reason. If you need to talk to someone upstairs, don't yell up the stairs. No yelling down the stairs. Walk up the stairs, find me, and speak in a soft, slow, but pleasant voice. If you are upstairs and you are thirsty. Come down and get your own water. Or call me. We've got 7 phones. Call, IM, fax, fly down a paper airplane. Just please don't yell. Why do I feel like I sound a little too much like David Sedaris?

The seven-or-so-year-old little boy, who was apparently their son, kinda meandered around unaffected. I hate it when the little snots are tougher than me. Here I am, the thirty-years-old, just passing by, and I'm worried about their loud, angry voices. We're in a Costco, for Pete's sake. What must everyone in the store think about their yelling? Embarrassment and shame gnawed away at what was left of the wonder created by the televisions. I wonder what wonder tastes like.

I rushed right past the replica Texas Ranger jerseys without even the slightest brush to see if the cotton was nice. My glance didn't stray to either side through the DVD isles. I did have to call my wife to ask if she wanted 20 pounds of russet or 15 pounds of golden. That might mean Tortilla de Patatas this weekend! And I know she and I would agree on the computer, the television, the Texas Ranger jerseys and the DVDs.

No.

It's a new word we learned a couple months ago. I'll tell you about that later.

Everybody's got somthing to hide...

2009-06-04T14:25:00.002-05:00

If you love monkeys as much as I do, then click the Ad to the right that says Monkeys ClipArt -Pictures Monkeys Bing.com.

If it isn't there, refresh the screen until it comes up.

Now don't say I never gave you or you monkey anything.

Out of Nowhere

2009-06-04T00:10:00.003-05:00

I totally have no idea what to write about today, but I can't not write anything. None of my old tricks for ideas worked. Actually any one of them might work, but I feel too pressured to try any of them. I've got to write something now.

So I'm trying a new trick. I just asked my little girl what I should write about. She said, "bad guys." She's been watching a Disney movie in which the bad guys have a "Bad Guys" song.

Right after she said, "bad guys," she said, "I'm done." That means she finished eating dinner. Weetabix. So now I am done.

Now go in Peace.

What to Write About When You Don't Know What to Write About

2009-06-02T18:23:00.005-05:00

I've covered this topic several times now. It seems like every time I write about it, I write about something else. Nothing is a terrible topic for Adsense. Nothing is a great topic for writer's block. Now if I can just combine the two into some sort of vehicle that generates cash by my just being great, then I'll get somewhere. Something.

So if you search "Nothing" in the cool Google search box I added to this site just below the AdSense adds, Blog Archive and my incomplete profile, you'll get a list of all my posts on Nothing. You'll notice I commit a significant amount of time and resources to Nothing. So far Nothing has got me nowhere. Click on the links to my posts regarding Nothing and check out my AdSense Ads. They are pretty much links to nothing, unless you need to pimp your blog. Do blogs really need more pimping? Pimping is for blogs that don't have Nothing. This blog has Nothing to spare! And if you only have links to nothing, then when you click those links you buy nothing. That doesn't do you much good. We need to stimulate the economy for America. Do it for the children.

Writer's Block is often caused by not knowing what to write about. If the author can just come up with a topic, he or she, or in this case, I can usually force the initial words. That almost always opens the floodgates. Unfortunately, it is not working yet today. For me, having nothing to write about is great, because my favorite thing to write about is Nothing! I just start writing about having nothing to write about, and the floodgates open! I tried it again. Still not working.

What I need to do is write about Nothing in such a way that AdSense generates some useful Ads for you to click and buy something. That will create a Win-Win situation. You win by having cool things to buy. The seller wins by having nice people to sell cool things to.

I ask for Nothing in return but the honor of entertaining you with my blog. If writing is its own reward, then I'm getting rewarded with one of my favorite things!

Nothing.

Low Rise. Take It Easy.

2009-06-01T15:34:00.007-05:00

Riding around The Trails Sunday, I noticed something. I saw several girls walking The Trails who had folded down the waistline of their shorts. I didn't think much about the first two, but after seeing a few more I became suspicious. Very suspicious.

You can't be too careful these days.

I knew that they probably were not revealing an extra inch or so of midriff solely for my benefit. Or were they? One can't be too cautious, you know. I thought maybe they were trying to get a little more tan or a little less tan line. It was a spectacularly sunny day. Maybe they were just being coquettish. You know? Flirty. Who am I to judge?

I was almost killed by a squirrel. Forgetting about the waistlines, I go home, mow the lawn, whipper-snip the edges, and battle the hornets. A typical Sunday afternoon. BTW, Man vs. Hornet (bee, yellow jacket, etc.) may be one of the funnier battles in the animal kingdom. That sounds like a post for another day. How about Wednesday? Write that down, so I don't forget.

So I finish all my yard work and take a shower. BTW, it may have been a little too warm and humid for cycling and yard work on the same day. I finished my shower and dressed. I picked a pair of shorts I had not worn since last summer and a t-shirt I've worn three times since acquiring it a few weeks earlier.

Something was not right.

Something wasn't just not right, something was terribly wrong. Something was so terribly wrong in fact, that I could not seem to move. My shorts were extremely uncomfortable. Unbearable.

Unwearable.

I adjusted them to where they looked right, but they were too low. I pulled them up to where the fit correctly, but they were too high. I called to my wife for help. No answer. I called again, louder. No response. Louder. No help.

I was alone. Panic began to squeeze at my throat like a box of anthrax, whatever that means. My life flashed before my eyes. It was just about to conclude with the day's lovely ride when one of the girls from The Trails passed through the frame of my final movie. The extra bit of midriff. The little puppy trying to chase my wheels. Another extra midriff with olive shorts. The row of kayaks being pulled out of the back of an RV by the river. Another extra midriff with the blue shorts and white tank top. Note to self: take camera to The Trails..

That's it. I folded down the waistline of my shorts and Presto! They fit perfectly. That is what all those girls at the trail were up to. They were adjusting their shorts, because they were uncomfortable. Or uncoquettish. You know? Unflirty. Who am I to judge? We are being robbed of comfort by fashion. Low rise jeans and shorts are last year's fashion. Or is it year before last? either way, we need our low rise pants back.

Throw fashion to the wind, my pets! Fashion will conform to us this time.

Sexy Monkeys

2009-02-11T11:44:00.000-06:00

Sexy Monkeys

I'm not sure who came up with the concept of Sexy Monkeys. I am sure that the person--or monkey-- who did is a genIus!

With a capital I!

(Am I back?)

Maybe it was Laurie Hogin.

(Who would have thought someone would beat me to Sexy Monkeys?)

Back to the monkeys. I really thought this Sexy Monkeys thing would be a blogging fertile crescent. Once again, Nothing is better than monkeys. Nothing is better than anything. Nothing must be magic!

New Year's Revolution

2009-01-07T08:51:00.009-06:00

I read that you should write down your New Year's Resolutions. Writing down your goals seems to solidify the intent, and since resolutions are goals... Paul Harvey? Rest of story please!

I wonder if typing them counts.

I read that your resolutions should be specific. I have many character weaknesses. Specifically, specificity is one of them. In general, vagueness might be considered a trait. Ambiguity is one thing humans can do! I would work more on my ambivalence if I weren't so apathetic.

I read that you should share your resolutions. If others know your resolutions, then you're more likely to be held accountable. Thus, you are more encouraged to work on your resolutions. I wonder if you let your loved ones in on your resolutions, if you might get help with accomplishing your goals.

My guess is Yes! Is my Yes Guess correct? If you guessed Yes, that my Yes Guess is a correct guess, then I guess your Yes Guess proves my Yes Guess correct, I guess. Yes?

I followed none of those suggestions for 2008. My Resolution, about which I told no one, was basically just hoping 2008 would be better than 2007. 2007 was rough. I told no one. I didn't write it down, and it was not exactly specific.

I figured out that for 2008 to be better, I was going to have to start with myself. I was going to have to be more positive. With my family's help, I think I did that. I significantly decreased my gloomy economic news. The media has taken those reigns from me. Sorry about that. The four of us are much more positive now. Even though we are worse off financially, we are much happier. [Please send cash.]

But we're not talking about 2008, are we. We're talking about 2009. Here are my 2009 Resolutions, to which I hope you hold me accountable, and with which I hope you help. Maybe I can help you with yours.

1. Outlaw Rest Stop - [Blanca?] This means I have train for a Century Ride. It means I have to improve my pace to keep up with the faster MBBCers, or at least Blanca. It means I have to regain my alcohol tolerance, if I want to make the last two miles. It means I'll have to do some strength training. It means I'll have to slim down a little more. It is starting to look like it means I'll be hot! It means I have to drive to Wichita Falls. That's the hardest part. I've never liked 287.

2. Fresh Air - I want to get back in the woods, back on the mountains, back in the water. I want to take my family camping, hiking, fishing and climbing. Anyone have a big tent I can borrow? Hopefully the bike training will make my hiking easier.

3. Music - I'd like to play, write, perform, record, help record [Glenn!], even Deejay. Did I mention write? I don't even want to get paid. [Telling the truth is not one of this year's resolutions.]

4. Give More - Giving more in 2008 helped with my positivity. My Wife is very giving and caring, so giving more should be easy. We increased our monthly contribution to St. Jude's. We helped with a couple fund raisers. [Do bike rallies count? They are always for charities.] The hard part here is having something to give. I used to say that you can't give what you don't have, but I know longer believe that is true. Darren has proved this for a couple years. He's gathered literally tons of food to help feed local hungry folks. My wife I did try to organize a Trike-a-Thon for next year. We did not get the help we expected from the day care, so we'll have to formulate a Plan B. I will need to make gradual changes to increase my means to give. That means I'll need extra sources of income and time, which both mean I'll need to do something about my current place of employment. I love the consistency here though. Less time commuting and working for Da Man, will not only allow more time for giving, it will also give me more time for Training, fresh air and music.

5. Fifth Resolution - I only have 4 resolutions, but I feel strongly that 5 would be a complete list. Thus, my fifth New Year's Resolution will be to determine a Fifth New Year's Resolution. This one seems very forgettable, possibly the most forgettable resolution in the history of Resolutions. I'll have to try really hard to remember it. It is unfortunate that I completely ignored 1989's New Year's Resolution #5, which was to remember each and every resolution from then on. Ironically, I can not remember 1989's Resolutions 1 through 4 or 1992's Resolution number 3. It is possible there was not Resolution number 3 in 1992. It's possible there was no 1992. I made no resolutions in 1989, 1997, 1999 through 2002. At least none that I remember. This could also be the most important Resolution of 2009. Otherwise, I would not have saved it for last. I'm going to count on each and every one of you to hold me accountable for this one.

In conclusion, it is January 7, and I haven't posted my first annual New Year's Revolution post yet. I stop now. I post now.

I Couldn't Agree With Me More!

2008-10-22T11:03:00.001-05:00

Here is another "expert" echoing my sermons from two years ago..

If any McBama supporters think either McCain or Obama will be more or less of a catalyst than the other, or than Clinton/Bush...

I assure you the Awakening will be quite Rude.

Wall Street's 'Disaster Capitalism for Dummies': 14 reasons Main Street loses big while Wall Street sabotages democracy

Thoughts II: Nothing Or NothingAde

2008-09-23T14:46:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to remember my cures for blog block. I know where they are. I can go look them up and remind myself, but that would be the easy way out.

Not knowing what to write about is the perfect opportunity to write about not having anything to write about.

That, dear readers, is taking lemons and making lemonade. Or in this case, taking nothing and making nothingade.

Nothingade. Now there is an idea. I'm going to produce a new drink called nothingade. Let's call it NothingAde. See what I did? I capitalized the A to make it creative. Marketing campaigns love creativity, especially when it really has no substance. "NothingAde. Nothing is what you need, and it's full of Nothing."

I am definitely on the right track.

NothingAde will contain no artificial sweeteners or flavors. It's full of none of those things. It will contain no artificial colors. It will have even less of that. NothingAde will be all natural.

The difficult part of the marketing campaign will be convincing consumers that they need nothing. Let's face it, we all know we need something. If you don't believe me, watch TV. I found out just last night that I need pills to correct my ED and help me sleep. After I've slept though THAT, I'll need something in the morning to lower my blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. After breakfast, I'll need pills to raise my mood because I'm worried that all these meds are slowly turning me into a junkie....a very poor, vegetable-like junkie. And let's not forget we need electrolytes.

How dry I am.

It doesn't stop there. There are breaks in between all the advertisements for the stuff I didn't know I needed during which I can watch programs that consist almost entirely of....you guessed it: Nothing.

So how do I convince the product-buying consumers that what they really need is nothing? Could I get some very pretty people wearing nothing and saying nothing and comment on how sexy they look? I could do the same thing, except use monkeys. Not just any monkeys. Sexy monkeys.

Let's take a few days to ponder this while I compose a post about sexy monkeys.

Thoughts

2008-08-26T15:42:00.000-05:00

The best thing about thoughts is that they vanish quickly. One second you have them. The next instant, they are gone.
For example, I had a thought that prompted me to open my word processor and begin typing. Now that said word processor is open and typing is under way, the aforementioned thought is no more. How is it that a thought so recent could disappear completely?

Sometimes you can trace you train of thoughts to a forgotten thought. If you can recall the last event before slipping into deep thought, you can work from the thought it triggered through the line of reasoning that lead you into this void.

This would be no issue if I could just let it go, but I'm just not that way. I find myself determined to recover the forgotten thought. I go searching frantically, tossing behind me the cushions of my mind, only to find loose change and corn nuts.

Have you ever tried any of the flavored corn nuts? There is ranch, picante and others. I think it is more marketing. "Hey, here is a new corn nut flavor. I'll by twelve bags to see how they taste!" Half-way through bag number four, I'm longing for regular old corn nuts.

We had to get an extra soda fountain at work. There were just too many flavors and flavor variations of soda that were previously unrepresented in our break rooms. If I want to kill several minutes, I go get a soda. It takes me 15 minutes to decide which soda I want, which turns out to be a completely successful waste of time. I return to my desk with my soda, take a few sips, and recall that I really don't like soda all that much. If something is going to be that harsh on my mouth, throat and stomach--the mixture of artificial sweetener with carbonation is like a hooker in church-- it better have alcohol in it.

When I was a kid, a hooker went to our church. I thought we were pretty lucky. Not every church has it's own woman-at-the-well, and we didn't even have a well! IF we did have a well, that would have been great! A religious hooker and very cold water. Now that's a good service.

Ahhh, that reminds me of why I started this post in the first place.

I had this thought that I lost and just can't recall what it was.

My Mind Is Losing Me

2008-08-25T16:36:00.001-05:00

My Mind is Losing Me

Do you have have one of those days in which just can't figure out anything? Today is like that for me.

Nothing makes sense. I seem to be baffled by everything. I can't keep up. Furthermore, other than trying to figure out the nature of this phenomenon, I'm not all that interested in my inability to function as person who works somewhere. This must be what those soccer moms cruising Southlake Town Square feel like. If I could only convince myself that the world revolves around me and my BMW, I'd be at total peace....except for all these kids here dressed in grunge attite. I am SO over Grunge.

Killer is me.

What was that horrible noise? Anyway back to me.

I don't even remember what I was talking about, which brings my to my desired destination: A nice, short blog post about me.

Now, go in Peace.

I said 10-9-8!

2008-06-26T09:26:00.002-05:00

Tell your friends who care not to worry. The market will bounce back tomorrow. Probably by the end of the day. Just like it did Tuesday.

http://www.marketwatch.com

When I say October, I mean October, dadgummit!!

10-9-8

2008-04-30T16:22:00.004-05:00

The best apocalyptic predictions occur on catchy dates. We had 1/1/2000 and 6/6/6. We’ve got 11/11/11, and don’t forget to add 12/21/12 to your calendar. The world is going to end that day!

Not if I have anything to say about it.

My very own date of destruction is October 10, 2008.

10-9-8, according to my very accurate predictions, is the day the stock market will crash. October is a great month for market downturns. Thursdays are really nice for losing boatloads of cash! In case you haven’t bought food or gas in the past few months, 2008 seems to be a great year for some degree of financial woe.

Or is it Whoa!

Let’s go with woe.

We’ve got a perfect storm of various financial crisis building. Consult this list that I found on the internet at http://shaynereign.blogspot.com/:

- The housing market is in a slump. With the exception of where I live, it is getting worse all over the country.
- Those crazy CDOs. I would love to explain them here, but they are just entirely and utterly unfunny. Google Collateralized Debt Obligation, and see if don’t just not find humor. I dare you.
- The US dollar is at an all time low
- Stagflation. Prices are rising, but the economy is not growing.
- Consumer debt is at an all time high
- George Bush just can’t seem to pile up enough debt to China
- Other unfunny stuff

I really do prefer writing about funny things.

As a service to those whom are reading my blog, below you will find a handy countdown to the crash. Pull up this web page daily and watch the seconds pass by and bring us closer and close to doom! Hooray!

Please note that I am the first to make this prediction. If you see anyone out there stealing my shtick, please pass along that I am the genius who forecasted the second great depression. I’ll really be depressed if I don’t get credit for it!

I just realized this post isn’t very good.

Now go in peace.

My Answer to the Overcrowded Prisons Problem

2008-04-23T08:41:00.002-05:00

2.6 million inmates in America.
1.6 million inmates in China.

China's population is about 4 times ours, yet they only have 70% of our inmate numbers. Sad.

SOLUTION!

Let's send our prisoners to China. China has an obvious prisoner shortage. Thinking of all that wasted prison space makes me sad. If the Chinese aren't all hung up on that slavery thing, perhaps we could trade human lives (they're prisoners, but according to Steve they're still human...[I disagree.]) to pay of some of the Trillions of dollars we owe them. (Thanks, George and Dick.) The prisoners could easily adapt. Communism and Socialism are pretty much the same thing as prison. Then the prisoners would have purpose in life: injecting lead into the toys of the children they'd otherwise be touching inappropriately!

Just think. If the Chinese could get free labor out of our prisoners, Wal Mart could go back to slashing prices!!! They'd bring back the flying yellow smiley face.

There is no longer any doubt...

2008-04-11T11:56:00.002-05:00

There is no longer any doubt. I am the smartest human alive.

Please, please, do yourself a favor. Seek my advice before you do anything.

Now go in peace.

Baseball

2008-04-07T13:34:00.001-05:00

I’m SO glad Plato was here. Thanks to Plato, I can love the Idea of Big League Baseball without having to love Major League Baseball. I can go to a game and enjoy the park, the grass, the food the crowd and not mind so much that most of the players are spoiled, pampered babies who just don’t get it.

Thank you, Plato.

I bring this up because after seven years of not seeing a Major League Baseball game, I am going tomorrow. My home team’s opening day is tomorrow. I can’t wait for the mystique of Opening Day. It should be a nice day, if storms don’t destroy us all. I can’t wait for the crack of the bats, the smell of the grass, the roars of the crowd, the food and the beer.

Have you ever noticed how beer tastes better outside? Whether it is on a porch of a Buffalo Wild Wings or on your own porch when you’re grilling, beer just tastes better outside. Beer at a ball park is a whole new…well, ball game. It’s like fizzy, liquid sex in a an over-priced collectable plastic cup!

I’ll ignore asteroids. I’ll ignore contract disputes. I’ll try no to mind so much when I have to pay $20 to park. I’ll just pretend that Big League Baseball is its Ideal Platonic Form. I hope for a bunt, although it won’t be likely since it is an American League game. I’m hoping for a squeeze play. I’m hoping to get an opportunity to explain to my wife the Infield Fly Rule. I’m hoping a fly ball lands in my beer! Just kidding about that. I will protect my beer!

Thank you, Plato.

Play ball!

Have you read my blog today?

2008-04-07T11:14:00.001-05:00

When I see people are reading my blog, it makes me feel like I have to blog more. I feel a responsibility to my readers. So, I’m asking you to do something for my blog readers. That’s just like doing something for yourself, only you’re also doing something for others. That’s generally considered a good trait on Mildred, unless you are an elected official.

Please. Even if you only save one reader of El Guapo’s blog, it will be worth it. Please pass along my blog to other people—preferably ones that can read. That will make me feel obligated to blog even more, which will nurture and ever-increasing number El Guapo’s blog readers. Do it of yourself. Do it for America. Do it for Mildred.

This message paid for by the Make Pretty More Beautiful Initiative.

More on Nothing

2008-04-04T12:27:00.002-06:00

I haven’t mentioned nothing in a while. The last time was here.

If I weren't not doing anything, I'd make it a point to do nothing.

Since I’m here though, I’ll go ahead and write a new post. I enter today’s post with the same intention I’ve entered almost every other post. I intend to write an intelligent, thought-provoking post that will both move and educate you and move you to educate yourself about movement.

As I strike the first few keys of my trusty keyboard keys, I realize that I’ve got nothing. Wasn’t it Robert Newhouse who once said, “Good intentions are like leading a horse to hell”? I may be paraphrasing just a bit, if not completely fabricating a falsehood, but the important thing is that you are moved and enlightened.

Did I mention enlightenment? I meant to say “enlighten” instead of “educate,” but don’t quote me on that.

I can’t decide which my favorite food is: pizza or chili. According to the Wall Street Journal, this post puts me at just over 10,000 posts. I may be exaggerating just a bit, if not completely lying, but the important thing is that I’ve got nothing.

Can someone please explain to me how I make it a point, day in and day out, every other day, to take a little time to write about nothing? How is it that I am able to write so much about so little? How much time have I wasted? How many words have I typed? Is rain happy? How many KBs of web server space have I used up with nothing?

I intend to get to the bottom of this. I am going to add it to the top of my list…somewhere near item number 3 or 4…somewhere below my top priority, which is to compose what I like to call a “To Do” list.

So with that knowledge, I encourage you to create a whole new world for yourself and go take it on. You can’t call your new world Mildred though. That name is taken. Grab your new world that you didn’t name Mildred by the tail and swing it around like a stray cat. I don’t mean a real stray cat. I mean a strictly proverbial stray cat. Like the one that lives in the ditch outside the courthouse in your back yard.

Now, go in peace.

Today, I am more back than ever

2008-04-01T14:06:00.001-06:00

For the third or tenth time in possibly ever, I am back. It’s difficult to not take time off. Time off from blogging always makes its way on to my “To Do” list…mostly because I don’t have a “To Do” list. That list is constantly updated with things I didn’t know were on it. All the things that I think are on it get moved down the page to where I can’t see it on the monitor. If I can’t see it, I’m not thinking about it.

Which reminds me, what was I not thinking about? I can’t remember.

I sincerely apologize to all of you who have checked back every day for the past 11 months only to find that I’m nowhere to be found. Believe me, I looked everywhere, and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t find me, so I understand how you could not. Unless you did, then I’m angry at you for not telling me.

I’ve reached that point where what I’m typing sounds stupid even to me, so until next time….which will be sooner than the last next time: Keep up the Good!

Check back in 15 minutes for my next post. If nothing is new yet, try back in another 15 minutes. Eventually your patience will pay off!

Until next time: See above.

A Good Politician

2007-05-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

"[I]f experience teaches us anything at all it teaches us this: that a good politician, under democracy, is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. His very existence, indeed, is a standing subversion of the public good in every rational sense. He is not one who serves the common weal; he is simply one who preys upon the commonwealth."

H. L. Mencken, "The Politician" Prejudices: A Selection (4th Series, 1924)

Princess 1: My Dog Princess (re-issue)

2007-04-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

(I’m going to make up a story about my dog Princess that I don’t really have. This will serve as proof I have reached the deepest, darkest bowels of Nothing.
Hmmmm..it doesn’t sound so bad when I phrase it like that..)

My dog Princess is a giant poodle that I named Princess. I named him Princess, because I think every poodle should be named Princess, even if the poodle is a giant. If you make fun of Princess, he will eat you. One leg at a time. Starting with yours.

Princess has short, curly white hair and steel teeth. I think he likes sardines, because he always has one in his mouth. I don’t know where he finds the sardines, and I don’t ask. He wouldn’t answer. He would just eat me.

Princess is not known for his patience with small talk.

(Author’s note: In the interest of not having much, this will conclude today’s post. I’ve got to save something for later. Love me!)
See Princess 2!

I’m Bringing “Bringing Back” Back!

2007-03-29T13:42:00.000-06:00

Once again, I claim to be back.

I hate that new cliché. “I’m bringing something back.” I think it’s a great idea to bring things back. I just think that if you’re going to bring something back, you should do a little more bringing and a lot less talking. If you have to announce that you’re bringing something back, it is probably because you realize that nobody is interested what you have. You figure that you announce that you’re bringing whatever it is back, that someone will be interested in the fact that you are bringing something back. You know that no one really cares what you are bringing back.

Now, on to my being back.

Back being?

Being back.

I had to come back. A question has been plaguing me for a couple months. Most things that plague me are far too complex for most humans to comprehend, so I must have these discussions with myself…the one person whom I know can figure out the unknown mysterious unknowns that plague me.

“How do you discuss things with yourself, crazy person?” I know that is the question you find yourself asking me. Well, I’ll tell you. I write. I think writing is what keeps me sane. Maybe that’s just my excuse right now for ignoring the phone. Phones make me crazy.

That, dear Readers, is why we celebrate holidays.

Bumper Sticker of the Week

2006-10-05T09:17:00.000-05:00

"I never thought I'd miss Nixon."

Cool Night

2006-09-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

I played bass and sang in a band called Marzee back in 87 and 88. It is—I should say was--pronounced Mar Zay, rhymes with "Bar Jay." Coincidence? I know it is a terrible name. What could I do? I was the new guy in the band, and I didn’t have cool French girlfriend with a cool, exotic name.

I was a really big fan of a Dallas band called Nu Coup. One night Marzee played at the Prophet bar in Deep Ellum. Really, we only played there one night. While we were setting up, the bass player for Nu Coup walked in the club. It was kinda scary and really cool playing a gig with one of my rock ‘n roll bass influences watching.

I got to do that again Thursday night and Saturday night. Thursday at the Lakewood Bar & Grill, Saturday at Ridglea Theater, the great Colin Boyd was in attendance.

It was a little nervous Wednesday and Thursday. That’s a lot for me, since I’m really never nervous about much of anything. Saturday was just fun. Jay and I really appreciated him coming way to Fort Worth…and for bringing such a pretty lady!

Now go out and be real good, Mildred!

Life keeps moving on, so maybe we should too.

2006-04-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

Troubles with the Ex mount. I should have spent more time chronicling the shenanigans of my wife’s ex-husband over the past couple years. It would be far too overwhelming to tell the whole tale now. So I’ll start with what it going on now. I’ll attempt to start at the beginning and work my way to the present while noting current stunts. We’ll see how much of the events time will allow me to recount to you.

I don’t want legal trouble, so I’ll leave out names. If you know me, then you know who I am talking about. I’ll remain on the safe side and use nicknames. I’ll refer to my wife’s ex husband as Slug. I apologize for the insult to slugs all over the world.

I’ll refer to Slug’s wife as Boar. I was going to call her Sloth. That sounds like a perfectly ugly creature. However, I Googled “sloth,” and they are nowhere near disgusting enough to describe this…I’ll be nice and call her a woman. Boar is just a better name for her. However, I do offer my most sincere apologies for this insult to boars all over the world. If anyone can come up with more fitting nicknames, let me know!

My blog will take a different turn for a while. I would much prefer the light-hearted fun, but as Charlie Robison said, “These are desperate times.”

For one, I feel people should know about what it is like for us to have to deal with Slug and Boar. I’m not looking for sympathy. I hope that writing about it will help me look on the brighter side of this situation. I hope that it will help me vent the anger I have towards them in a healthy way. Perhaps someone will let me know if I am in the wrong. That would be helpful. I hope that someone will have some helpful advice.

Secondly, I believe that Slug and Boar pose more than a negligible amount of danger to my family. I’ll get to that in later posts. Suffice to say for now that the two of them are just not right in my opinion. In my opinion, the two of them have severe mental problems. In my opinion, these mental problems make Slug and Boar a danger to themselves and a danger to my family and me.

I would like to point out that, aside from this being written from one person’s perspective, the posts regarding Slug and Boar will contain NO fiction. I will merely state the facts as they happened or as they happen.

I don’t know of many ways out of this situation. One hope we have is that Slug and Boar will just decide to leave the country. That is basically sitting around hoping they hate Texas enough to just leave. I’m not much for sittin’.

The other option is for us to move. My wife and I have talked about this. We talk about it more and more now. I’ve started looking into places to move. Of course, we can’t go to the obvious places, because we will not want to be found for at least several years. My wife has moved from country to country a few times. She doesn’t really want to do it, but at least she’s done it. I haven’t moved out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area since I was in second grade, so I’m no so much for moving off to some new land. I do love the mountains, and I do love the beach, and there are lots of those in this world.

I want to leave my feelings out of this for the most part and stick to the facts. However, I’m a very proud man, a very proud Texan, and I’ll not have someone harassing my family or me. We just can’t handle things the way we used to here, so there’s not much to do but either put up with it or get away from it.

The Higher the Truth

2006-04-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

The wise realize that only after we have learned that we don't learn enough, can we begin to learn what learning learns us.

The higher truth is that we appear wiser when we answer all questions with "you should search for your truth within yourself."

Then you say, "Now go in peace."

Now, go in peace...

Total Eclipse of the Sun

2006-03-29T11:45:00.000-06:00

I just read on MSN that sometime today a Total Eclipse of the sun is going to strike Mildred.

Are you prepared for this invasion? I had hoped for more time to stockpile bottled water and build my immune system. If I had know it were striking so soon, I would have got an Eclipse shot.

From what I understand, this particular Total Eclipse of the sun is not only extremely powerful, but it has an unending source of energy. Yes. It is completely Solar Powered. This is far worse than I ever feared.

Have you seen ads for “Basis Instinct 2?” Sharon Stone looks REALLY good!

The Eclipse has already blinded hundreds of children in Accra, Ghana, extending from Brazil to Mongolia. Might this destroy my favorite chicken?

Truly, on this day, the sky has fallen, and his name is Total Eclipse of the Sun.

What kind of name is “the Sun” anyways?

Can of Pickled Space-Time

2006-03-28T13:20:00.001-06:00

What if you could stroll into your local grocery store and buy yourself a can of pickled space-time? What would you do with it? If you could pickle space-time, would you put it in a can? And if you could can space-time, would you want it pickled?

About now, some of you are saying, “what on Mildred is Shayne talking about?” Well, I might ask you the same question. I know that those in the know…short pause…know exactly what I’m writing about.

I just wish I knew what I am talking about. That’s the big problem with writing…and with knowing. The two seldom meet.

So today, I will begin to try something new with my blog. Instead of writing nonsense posts with no point, I will start writing pointless posts that make no sense. That just sounds better, doesn’t it? I agree too. Thank you for agreeing with me.

I’m sure you’ll agree that agreeing with me is very important to our agreement.

So from this day forward, go out to your local grocery store or deli, walk up to the man at the counter and say, “One can of pickled Space-Time…to GO!”

If that won’t do it, then nothing will.

Let’s call Earth Mildred

2006-03-23T15:27:00.001-06:00

I’ve got an idea, my fellow Mildredians. It’s only about eleven months old.

Let’s call Earth “Mildred!”

I know what you’re saying. “What are you saying? Call Earth Mildred?”

To that I say, “Yes,” I am saying, “That is what I am saying.”

Look at all the planets out there in our solar system alone that have really cool names, like Mars and Uranus. Who is Earth? We can’t call Mildred “Earth,” because Mildred is the Earth. Calling the Earth “Earth” would be like calling me “Human.” (Or would it?) It’s really quite silly when you think about it.

Earth.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Did anyone think this through when they voted on planet names?

Just think how fun it would be jetting around the galaxy letting everyone know you’re from Mildred! I wrote this short play to show you how things might go.

You: Hello, alien creature!

Alien: You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya..

You: No! I am not, alien creature!

Alien: You’re an Earth human, ain’t ya?

You: Why, No! I’m Mildredian! I’m from Mildred! We call Earth Mildred now!

Alien: Whut?

You: We call Earth Mildred. See? Watch! Mildred! Miiiiildreeed! I…AM…from Mildred! Did you see?

Alien: Can I kill ya now?

That’s just the beginning. I know it sounds crazy now, but just try it for a couple months. If someone says something that doesn’t make sense, just say, “What on Mildred are you talking about?” If it’s really hot, say “This must be the hottest town on Mildred.” Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it! You could say things like, “Careful with those bombs, George. You’ll blow up Mildred.” This is the funniest day on Mildred!!

Join me, fellow Mildredians!!

Coming soon: “What the heck kind of name is ‘The Sun?’”

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

2006-03-22T14:21:00.000-06:00

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and neither is writing. I mean, just when I think I’m in, they pull me back out. I’m not sure how many of you have to work for a living. I do, and I don’t like it. It keeps me away from the things that I love…things like music, blogging, and nothing.

I’m not sure why I called this post “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” That’s not even the song that is out now. Wasn’t it a phrase used by some wrestler or something? I may be an idiot.

I don’t know for sure, but I do no this for sure: That’s all I’ve got.

That, and I’m back for real good.

I really, really mean it this time.

Really, really back for good this time

2006-01-06T11:28:00.000-06:00

I know. I know. Last time I said I was back, and I haven't been back since. Isn't back relative? Isn't back in the eye of the beholder? I might ask you the same question.

From this point forward, you can excpect a fully functional, consistently updated blog from me. If I don't deliver this time, then I'm almost certain I will next time.

I'm going to get right back into the swing of things. I'm going to work on more Princess stories. I don't really want to. I didn't think they were really going anywhere. I'd prefer to just let sleeping dogs lie....no pun intended...but Princess won't let me.

Speaking of....I've gotta go feed the dog...

before the dog feeds me...

help me.

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something

2005-10-25T12:18:00.000-05:00

Check out this VERY funny post from my friend Rev. Jay.

Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion: Nothing: the new something

Blog destroyed by Hurricanes

2005-10-20T08:47:00.000-05:00

This is my first blog activity since Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. I haven’t posted, written or read anything until right now. I’m not saying that the overly-personified storm is to blame for the lack of blog in my life or anyone else’s. I’m just pointing out the possible coincidence. Coincidence? I think not.

So now I begin the long process of rebuilding Blog. I won’t be able to catch up. That would be impossible. I’ll just have to start over. Right here. Right now.

In a few minutes.

If you think I’m really back this time, just wait until I’m really, really back next time!

Review of This Year’s Views and Reviews Throughout the Year Today

2005-08-26T13:35:00.000-05:00

I just realized that this blog exactly, to the day, a little over a year old. It was on August 17, 2005 that I posted my first post, Welcome to Hell. So here for you, dear reader of I’ve Come to Save the World from Me, is my official Review of This Year’s Views and Reviews Throughout the Year Today. A sort of year in review, if you will. And I think you will.

Over the past year, I’ve warned of the impending housing market bust and offered you financial advice. “I read the news today, oh boy.”

I’ve offered the occasional political discourse. “Why is Everyone Afraid of Turning Gay” earned me a few links!

I wrote of urinals many times. Check them out! (The posts, not the urinals.) I’ll be glad you did. So will you. We both will. So will I.

I answered tough question from my readers. Remember that The Doctor IS in. The Doctor is always in. Wait. I’ll be right back. Just kidding. I’m still in. Where am I

I’ve posted lyrics to several songs that you can listen to just like me! If you didn’t listen, then go back and listen. It will make you a better person, and make the world a better place.

My latest craze is my children’s’ story about a boy and his dog.

Overall, it’s been a year. I year of months and days. I’d like to thank you all for knowing how to read, and for using that skill on my blog writing. I promise you that someday I will learn to write.

Love me.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.

Just kidding.

Love you.

Tattoo

2005-08-25T14:27:00.000-05:00

Tattoo
(Shayne Seymour, © 2003)
Hear the MP3 at shayneseymour.com

Every tear that I see falling from your eyes
Is another world falling on my shoulders.
I really tried to give some comfort to your life,
But it feels like I've only made it colder.

I'll tattoo myself with tears
just to try to feel your pain.
I'll tattoo myself with tears
I never wanted this to fade.

I hope that you and me are not wounded
by all the things that I wouldn't say.
I know I'm the dream that summons your wildest fears
and the cross you bear to drive them away.

Princess 6: My Puppies at the Beach

2005-08-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

One day, Princess asked me to take him to the beach. He didn’t just come out and say that, because dogs can’t talk you silly skunk face. He communicates with his Giant Princess Puppies Language which I will tell you about another day.

Today, I will tell you about the one day when Princess asked me to take him to the beach. He didn’t just come out and say it; because dogs can’t talk you crazy kangaroo pouch.

I said, “Yes, sweet Master Princess, let’s go the beach today. Please don’t kill me.” We hopped on my skateboard and tore donkey on down to the beach.

Princess was so excited when we got there! He jumped off the skate board, accidentally pooped on a VW bug, and dashed straight for the water. There was beached whale on the beach. Princess snatched up and slung it around like a mail man.

He growled and snarled at some kids. That scared them and sent them running, so I scored their boogie board! He can be so cute sometimes when he’s being a very playful puppies. We had SO much fun at the beach.

It was kinda gross picking all the sea weed and plankton out of Princess’ short, curly white hair and picking whale and boogie boards out of his steel teeth at Denny’s.

It was worth it though, because Princess still loves me like his very own human!

Congratulations!

2005-08-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

I am my 1,000th visitor!!

Princess 5: Four Days in the Belly of a Puppies

2005-08-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

One day, I finally asked Princess where he got the sardines. Without a word, he snarled his steel, Princess teeth, opened his mouth and swallowed me. Before I could say, “Hey, my giant poodle named Princess, why are you eating me?” he swallowed with a huge ‘Gulp!”

It was almost completely dark in Princess’ stomach. The only light came from some strange source. I think he swallowed a lot digital watches when he was a puppy. Luckily, I always carry a flashlight behind my ear, so I switched it on to have a look around.

There were sardines and IHOP waitresses everywhere. You gotta hand it to those sardines! I talked to a couple waitresses, ate some sardines and just kinda spent the time catching up on some much needed rest. About the time I started getting comfortable living in the belly of a giant poodle named Princess, I laid down for a nap.

I woke up in the parking lot of a Denny’s. I was waling inside Denny’s to ask someone where I was, when Princess met me at the door. He gave me a look as if to say, “don’t ask.”

I asked, “Where am I?” Without a word, he snarled his steel, Princess teeth, opened his mouth and swallowed me. Before I could say, “Hey, my giant poodle named Princess, why are you eating me?” he swallowed with a huge ‘Gulp!”

Note to self: Stop asking Princess questions.

See Princess 6!

What Can I and You Do to Make this place a Better World?

2005-08-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

What can you and I do to make the world a better place?

I’ll be honest with you. You probably don’t know. That’s why nobody does anything. Nobody knows what to do. Most know what not to do, but few work hard at not doing what we’re not supposed to do.

I’m here to help. I’ve Come to Save the World from Not Saving the World.

From now on, if I remember, I’m going to give you very important ways to help make the world a better place to have civilizations and stuff.

What can you do today? For the rest of the day, come back to this blog every day and check to see if I have an assignment for you. In case you need to verify it for your calendar, today is in August.

Remember, the world is a big place, so I may not have a new assignment every day.

See you tomorrow. Unless tomorrow falls on today or sooner. In that case, see you tomorrow.

At the Mercy of My Brain

2005-08-10T15:33:00.000-05:00

I’ve got a problem that occurs in the period of time between when I was born and when I will die. It’s a problem I like to call “Shayne’s Brain.” I can’t seem to grasp control of my brain. It makes me do things.

That’s all I know.

I don’t really understand how it works. I asked, and he ain’t talking. Or thinking, as it were. Were it? Really. I need to know. Were it?

So my brain does things or doesn’t do things whether or I want it to or not to. Sometimes it doesn’t do anything whether or don’t want it to or not.

I don’t like cats, and I’ve never even been up in space.

For example, right now, at this moment, I wish to write a blog post about how my brain seems to control me more than I control it. My brain won’t let me.

I don’t like cats. Where is space?

See what I mean? What’s this business about cats and space?

Let’s think about cats for a moment.

Earlier when I was trying to work, my brain kept wanting to write for this blog. I really needed to work. It’s as though I don’t know who we are any more sometimes.

Let’s send cats into space!

Shayne out.

Brain in.

Wait!

Princess 4: My Puppies Princess loves the Mail

2005-08-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

Princess loves our mail man. One time Princess met him at the porch. Princess was being all playful friendly, panting, and wagging his tail and his tongue hanging out.

When the mail man reached up to pat Princess on the head, Princess bit the mail man’s left leg off. Then he ran around the yard with it, shaking it around, tossing it into the air and watching it fall to the ground. Then he buried the funny mail man’s left leg in a big hole he dug in the street.

Princess is pretty funny when he plays like that.

See Princess 5!

The Greatest Never Not Ever Never

2005-08-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

Once again I find myself unsure of where to go. I need a break from the Children’s story about a dog. I’m getting all Dog ads in Adsense. I don’t really have to time to dig up a song from http://www.shayneseymour.com/ to offer you.

Maybe you should check out the official song of “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me.” It’s a little song I call “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me.”

Did you check out my MySpace page? It’s right here:

Check me out!

What about my blog? You can find it at http://shaynereign.blogspot.com/

I stop now.

Can You Be Fired For Blogging?

2005-08-08T15:49:00.000-05:00

Can You Be Fired For Blogging?

Princess 3: When My Dog Princess Was a Puppies.

2005-08-05T11:01:00.001-05:00

When my favorite giant, IHOP waitress-eating poodle was a puppies, he was very funny at us all of the most of the time that day.

I mean, he would just do things all the time that would make you laugh and say, “puppies funny!”

When Princess was a few days old, I bought him a computer for his anniversary of being a giant poodle for a few days. He signed on and hacked the IHOP website. I thought it was sort of a weird thing for him to do, but we just wrote it off as being a cute, little puppies. I began to think he was curious about pancakes, but now I know the truth…the cute, little, giant dickens…

See Princess 4!

MySpace?

2005-08-04T17:18:00.000-05:00

What will this do?

Check me out!

No. 2?

2005-08-04T13:05:00.000-05:00

I was watching CNN at lunch. They were doing the story on Ayman al-Zawahri threatening the Western Nations.

The sound was down, but I reckon they were discussing al-Zawahri’s apparent aging. The subtitle read:

Bin Laden’s No. 2 is grayer than in years past.

Do they know that much about his No. 2? You’d think they could follow THAT kind of trail and find him!

I don’t think they know what I think there were talking about.

On Hope.

2005-08-04T09:32:00.000-05:00

Isn't it great to have something to look forward to sleeping through!

Buy Me!

2005-08-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

For a limited time only--at least until the end of the internet—you can purchase shares of “I’ve Come To Save the World from Me.”

“I’ve Come to Save the World from Me” is the world famous blog (weB LOG) known as the what you are reading right now.

Click this link to BlogShares button below, sign up, and purchase stock in my Blog. I don’t really know what it’s all about, but it sure sounds like fun!

And if you don’t do it? Then, hey! Why not just do it anyway? Ya know it?

Let me know how you go!

Princess 2: The Birth if My Dog Princess

2005-08-02T13:11:00.000-05:00

When Princess was born, he was a dog.

I like to call very new dogs “puppies.”

Princess was a very cute puppies for a giant poodle. He was very funny at us. He would roll around playing “Alive.” He would run in circles chasing his tail and eat IHOP waitresses. I guess if he had been human, we might have called Princess a cannibal. He was a puppies though, so it wasn’t gross or weird that he ate IHOP waitresses.

Back to his birth though. He was very gross. He came out and said “Hi, folks!” Then he ran out the door, peed on the mailbox and ate some trash bins.

I’ve never witnessed another giant poodle birth that was anything like when Princess was puppies born.

See Princess 3!

Help you out.

2005-07-31T01:27:00.000-05:00

Check out my friend's site. He's got good financial advice for you.
www.hedgeoil.com
www.hedgegas.com

Sharks mad?

2005-07-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

So the "Jaws" special edition DVD was released June 14.

Florida had shark attacks on June 25th, June 27th and June 28th .

Texas had one July 14th.

There is just one question on all my minds: Coincidence?

Why was I gone?

2005-07-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

I had some stuff and some things that happened to me. Specifically, it was some general things and stuff. I’ll try to be here for you more. Or is it be here more for you. Either way, ya know it?

Be.

Subliminal message of the day:

Futures.

The Ballad of Detroit Louie

2005-07-21T17:34:00.000-05:00

The Ballad of Detroit Louie
(Shayne Seymour and Scott Parry, © 2003, 2005)
Hear the mp3 at www.shayneseymour.com

Asleep at the bar
Propped up on his stool
Like a sentinel guarding
The dreams of a fool
I fed the juke box,
Then I asked for the chalk.
He awoke to the Saint
"On a Sunday morning sidewalk."

He said, "My name is Louie
Detroit Louie. Can I buy you a beer?
I've lived in Salida for about
Six lonely years.
I've hiked the Rainbow
And the Colorado Trails
But since my brother left
My life's been a living hell."

Detroit Louie I hear you talking
But what the hell are you trying to say
Don't you know that the harder you look for love
The farther you drive it away
You ain't going to find freedom
Out there throwing away the past
The pain is going to hang on to you as long
As you hang on to that glass.

He kept singing "Desperado"
Saying it's not too late.
I ought to let somebody love me
Life's too short to wait.
He lit another Lucky Strike
And it fell to the floor
I asked the bar for another round
He said Louie can't have no more

"I've got ten drinks down;
I've got six balls up
Yeah, we're well on our way.
If this stick's just half as bent as me, man
Then I'm going to be OK.
Boys, my time is running out
And my bottle's running dry."
He's just trying to finda familiar place too hide.

He came from Detroit
With just his dog by his side.
He's giving away all of his memories
As he waits here to die.
Head hanging low while cradling a beer.
Louie when will you ever learn
That it is life that you fear.

NHL is back

2005-07-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

Although I never really cared the NHL was gone, I am glad it's back.

I was a huge hockey fan. I just figured if the money was more important than the game to the owners and players, then why should I care about it. Besides, I had the Ft. Worth Brahmas. That's hockey I can afford.

I will probably hate the new rules. It is sad the sport has to reduce itself to appear to those with no attention span. If money weren't so important, the player could tell the ADD'd masses to just stay home and stare at their TVs. To me the new rules will be the equivalent of removing wrecks from NASCAR.

I wish we could just say, “If you don’t want to take the time to learn the rules and strategies of hockey the way it is—if you’re just here to see goals and fights, then buy an Xbox. “

It was a beautiful sport. Graceful, strategic, violent, fast. Now we have to have shootouts so FOX viewers don’t get bored and switch over to wrestling.

I guess I’m just glad it will be back. Now, Dallas. Let’s get Modano signed.

My Blog has really going down the toilet lately…

2005-07-14T10:05:00.000-05:00

Off.

Urinelle

2005-07-13T17:36:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Out of some strange curiosity, I clicked on the Adsense add for the “Urination device women.” A company called Urinelle.

You’ve got to check out that Ad. I promise this is for your benefit and not just to earn myself checks. Click the link. Enter the site of your language. Then check out the “About Urinelle” and the “How to Use.”

It is not what I would call the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, but it is worthy of consideration.

Wow. I can't seem to stop writing about urinals. I wish I had discovered urinals a long time ago...

Nothing Is not as good as Urinals

2005-07-13T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, I added Adsense to my blog thinking it will help me be not so poor any more. The ads are based on text from the page.

Most of my posts are about nothing. I love nothing. Nothing is my favorite thing. It’s also all I have in the way of blog topics, so I often write about nothing.

In the history of “I’ve Come to Save the World from Me,” there have been two posts on the topic of Urinals. What ads are displayed?

Buy Female Urinals
Urinals-Falcon Water Free
Male Urinal
Urination device women.

Is that what my blog is about? Urinals? I guess so. Are there no sites in wide, wide world of web dedicated to nothing?

How many people are going to surfing to buy urinals for women? I don’t even want those weirdoes on my blog.

Either way, I beg you all to go urinal shopping online, so I can get some checks.

Admit it. You’ve always wanted one, haven’t you? Wouldn't a new urinal look nice in your garage?

More Nothing

2005-07-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

I’ve still got nothing. Not only that, I’m in too much pain to type. Carpe Tunnel or something, I guess. I call it, My Arm and Shoulder Really Hurt.

Either way, there will be no post today, and that’s all I have to say about that.

Except this: What’s that?

The Lion, the Witch and the Urinal

2005-07-12T11:25:00.000-05:00

I guess somebody moved a sign from the men’s room door to the urinal instead of making a new sign for the urinal. Said sign on said urinal said reads:

Closed For Service
Do Not
Enter

I don’t think of “entering” urinals so much as just “using” them. There are a plethora of jokes flowing from this urinal.

I’ll leave them to you, dear reader..

Jump Shark?

2005-07-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

See how stupid my posts are without my file. Have I jumped the shark? Maybe I jumped the shark by starting a blog.

Why wouldn’t I jump the shark? I love jumping and I love shark.

Now is not the time for later.

2005-07-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

I’m running low on blog topics. If it is not already, it will soon be VERY apparent. Speaking of apparent, will I ever learn how to spell apparent? I mean, what’s it all about? Really.

The most fascinating aspect of this post is that I’m still not sure where I’m going with it.

On second thought, I just decided on the direction of this post!!
I’m going to end it right here

The Long and Short of it All

2005-07-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

Some of my co-workers attended an “E-mail Writing Course.” Fascinated by a title that seemed nothing less than a complete waste of time, I asked about it.

Although, in and of itself, asking about it was not a waste of time; listening to the description probably drained enough life force to shorten my life span by two years. 45 minutes for two years is not a good trade. Mark that in your little book of life’s lessons. Page 13.

According to this class, people just don’t have time to read e-mails. That is probably because they spend too much time scanning for viruses, filtering through spam and typing passwords, but who am I to judge? The instructor taught that we should shorten our e-mails to give our corporate managers and officers summaries of the necessary facts and not bog them with details.

This is something I’ve always encouraged my coworkers attempt. Not really to save the managers time. More because the mangers really don’t know enough to understand the details, so why bother typing them.

This lead to a discussion of some e-mail messages composed that day. Where they too short? Just right? Did it depend on the recipient? As the conversation progressed, I longed more and more for a quick death.

We did come to the conclusion that the instructor of the “E-mail Writing Course” should take a “Course Course,” In this Course Course,” I will explain that employees doing all the work don’t have time to sit in a course all day learning (essentially) how to talk down to corporate officers at a level they can comprehend. I will teach that we should shorten our classes to give employees more time to not be in pointless classes.

I, of course, am NOT talking about the management where I work. I’m just going by what friends say about where they work. The people I work for a real good smart!

Halo

2005-07-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

Halo
(by Shayne Seymour)
mp3 at www.shayneseymour.com

Heaven is in every word you say.
Heaven is in the way you sway.
I can not look away from you, and I am blinded when you glow.
The only light in my world is your halo.

I feel the burning in your eyes.
I taste the bitter in your cries.
I blew out the sun to watch you glow,
Enchanted by light of your halo.

There's glory in the senses that you thrill,
And glory in the sadness of the kill.
It burns when I'm this close to you, and it's so cold when you go.
The only light in my world is your halo.

Desire is burning a hole deep inside of me.
I'm soaring in your sky and drowning in your sea.
I singe my heart and sear my soul as your flames lick my wings.
I surrender to your charms and the blues that you sing.

(Shayne Seymour, © 2003 and 2005)

Also that George guy..

2005-07-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

I’d also like to be the fist to congratulate George Washington on becoming the President of the United States. I predict that he and his friend Abraham Lincoln will bring integrity and honesty to that position that will be carried forth by all the leaders of the United States of America.

On a related note, I would like to be the first to congratulate said United States of America on winning her freedom from the evil British Empire. I doubt we’ll ever have good relations with England, but that’s ok. America has shown the world how fighting for, and winning your own independence helps you truly understand freedom. I’m sure other countries will follow her example in the future and perhaps even before the future.

Way to go Ben!! Also

2005-06-30T16:04:00.000-05:00

I’d also like to congratulate Benjamin Franklin on discovering electricity. I don’t think that the whole “electrical power” thing will really ever take off here in America, but he at least proved that only good things can come from drinking a lot and flying kites in a thunderstorm.

Way to go, Ben!

Strangest Thing I've Said Today

2005-06-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

Voodoo dolls? I love Voodoo dolls! I mean...I love voodoo. I love dolls. It should only follow that I would love voodoo dolls.

What's wrong with me?

Plugs

2005-06-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

Hedge Oil
Hedge Gas

Congrats Lance Armstrong!

2005-06-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

I’d also like to be the first to congratulate Lance Armstrong on winning what I think will be the first of at least three or four Tour de Frances. I bet if that kid keeps it up, he’ll be really good bicycle rider some day.

An Engaging time for Engagements

2005-06-24T10:43:00.000-05:00

Let me be the first to congratulate my good friends Scott and Lisa on their real good engagement to marry themselves together! I’m very Shaynehappy for them both of the.

It's a Great Day for Greatness

2005-06-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday!

Kris Kristofferson - 69

Bruce Campbell - 47

Time

2005-06-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Time is just an illusion created by those who want us to be on it.

Fight the power.

Bash the clocks.

Lost

2005-06-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

Pleased to meet you. I'm sad. I lost my file. THE famous file. The one I mention here.

So now I have to start everything over. It's all right off the top of my head, like a bad cut. I feel about as graceful as a three-legged moose. There worked it in.

My stock is down. I feel just the slighted pang of panic in the deepest regions of my gut. That's where it will stay though, because I saw "Batman Begins," and I'm not afraid of bats anymore.

Well, not the flying rodent. I DO still fear the bats that you use for hitting baseballs. They scare me.

My take on "Rio"

2005-06-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

Here's my take on Duran Duran's "Rio." And you thought it couldn't be done acoustically.

Dogs are Stupid, but they're still smarter than me.

2005-06-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

If I say "Paris Hilton nude", will my blog show up in more Google searches?

It doesn't really matter, because I would NEVER resort to such tactics as using phrases like "Nicole Kidman Naked" just generate to blog traffic. That's cheap and wrong, and I refuse to do it.

I used to laugh at how stupid my dog is. She is a constant tail chaser. She'll run tiny circles in the living room or dining room hours at a time.

You can see the disappointment in her eyes each time she catches her tail and seems to wonder, "What's so great about that? hmm..I wonder what cat poop tastes like."

A few minutes later, she’s right back at it.

Yesterday it hit me. I do the same thing every day. Many of us do the same thing every day. It seems like we go in and work every day, just so we’ll have enough money to work the next day. What’s that about?

Towards what are we working?

To be continued…

Stock Rising?

2005-06-16T17:33:00.000-05:00

Nope.

Why is there work? Jay?

Shayne is Stewie

2005-06-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Which Family Guy character are you?

SWE3

2005-05-31T15:23:00.000-05:00

I'll say this about "Revenge of the Sith":

Who are the good guys?

Asterisks in the yesterday’s blog question answer

2005-05-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

I added asterisks in the previous question answer, because they refer to interesting fun facts that are too tangential for that particular, yet highly individual, post.

The single asterisk, a.k.a. *, is because MS Word was trying to change my grammar to "Since you didn’t, neither will me." That would sound stupid, and as we all now; I am rarely, if ever, stupid.

The double asterisk, something I personally like to call **, refers to an as yet unposted post that I will post later.

Not now. Later. Be patient. It’s not like this blog is my entire life, ya know. Ungrateful grot.

So there you are now have it and good.

The Doctor is out.

Just kidding. I’m in.

Now I’m out.

I’ve Come to Save the World from Blog Block

2005-05-26T09:51:00.001-05:00

I’ve created a blog, and now I don’t know what to write. Can you help me, The Sweet, Pretty The El Guapo?

Love,
Sweet, new blogger person.

I can help you Sweet, new blogger person. For a successful blog, you have to keep your readers in mind. You have to give the readers what they want. “What,” you ask, “do readers want?” Well, I might ask you the same question. Since you didn’t, neither will I*. I will answer it though.

Readers want something to read. That means you gotta give them something to read. That’s what I do every day of Mildred**, except for two. I give the reader something to read. Sometimes I give the reader nothing to read, but at least that’s something.

When I created my blog, I wondered when I would run out of stuff to say, and that was pretty much all I had to say. So I did. Then, I created a Word file in which I write every single stupid blog topic idea that comes into The El Guapo’s brain and mine. When I get a chance, I go through it and expand upon the one ones that I can. When I say “expand,” I don’t mean a kitty. I like kitty humor. Not as much as monkey humor though. Monkey humor is the absolute best humor imaginable. Almost.

But I digest. Do you? Then I started adding theme topics, so that I can kinda repeat the same crap over and over and over. Should I say “and over” again? I think not.

And over. I did it anyway. Take that, Evil doer.

Now I have written more stuff than I can write. I have an endless supply of material for readers (or non-readers) to read (or not read) for the next week or so, as long as we all realize it won’t go over a couple minutes. That, my dear human/nonhuman, is what readers like and dislike most about reading and/or not reading.

I hope this answers your question. If not, rephrase the question in a way that it is answered by my response. Otherwise it may be a stupid question or just an incorrect question.

Kenny Chesney?

2005-05-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

So what have the rest of the Village People been doing since Kenny Chesney went solo?

Monthly or so Buddha

2005-05-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

Never give up
No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country is spent
Developing the mind instead of the heart.
Be compassionate not just to your friends but to everyone
Be compassionate.
Work for peace in your heart and in the world.
Work for peace and I say again
Never give up.
No matter what is happening,
No matter what is going on around you,
Never give up.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Why can't beach be all the time?

2005-05-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

We're back from vacation. A week on Mustang Island and Padre Island. Every time I come back from the beach I like the not beach less. I like not beach less than Less itself. I may even like it less than the mysterious Almighty Least.

If I cared about my crazy grammar, I would apologize. I like it.

I just love the water, waves, fish, boats, tourists, bums, sun, salt, seaweed, jellyfish, wind, all of it. Tourists in Ft. Worth, Dallas and in Colorado get on my nerves, but tourists at the beach are all right. Maybe I still am considered a tourist in Colorado or Port Aransas, although I don’t think I should be.

Anywho, I don’t want to be here, so that’s all I got.

Addendum to Sith Question Answer

2005-05-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

To make this very difficult addendum easier for you, I have broken it up into very easy-to-follow steps. They are somewhat in numerical order, except the Steps 8, 1 and 9.

Step 13: First and foremost, read (yesterday's) post so you know what I'm talking about. Shouldn't one of us?

Step 8: In the answer to the previous (yesterday's) question contained in below (yesterday's) post, please ignore the quotation marks.

Step 9: After you have successfully ignored the quotation marks, proceed to (today's) Step 2.

Step 2: While looking very closely at the answer, ignore the letter N.

Step 3: Repeat step 2 until you are not really sure what you are doing, then proceed to Step 3.

Step 4. Ignore the period or the o. It is entirely up to you, as long as you know it is up to you.

Step 5. Ignore any part of the answer that remains, as of yet, unignored.

Step 6. Skip the previous two steps, if you did not see Step 6.

Step 1: After reading Step 1, proceed to Step 8, since Step 8 is really the first step.

Step 11: Thank yourself for being very good for me.

I’m Come to Save the World from Bad Sith

2005-05-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

If you’re a bad Sith, does that mean you’re good?

Thank you,
Closet bad Sith

This is an excellent question that comes from a Jay and/or a Ray. Maybe both. If you don’t believe me then look deep, deep inside your left side and remember the answer you questioned.

First, since the Sith doesn’t really exist in what I like to call “here,” we’ll assume that question asking person is speaking metaphorically. Metaphorically speaking, since Sith’s don’t exist here, I will answer your question.

In order to accurately answer this question with the proper facts and/or my opinion, we must first agree on what I Sith is.

I, for one, don’t really know. I can’t really say that I care.

Now that we all know or don’t know what a Sith is, we must assume that we don’t know if being a bad Sith makes one good. Assuming, of course, we know what good is. This is sort of what I refer to as an “answer back/back answer question-the-answer question with or without an answer.” Ergo, not knowing this is why Jay or/and Ray—or both—asked his/her question. Double Ergo, the answer must be either forthcoming or next.

Let’s assume the answer is next. If so, then here it is:

“No.”

Ominous Signs at the yeah, yeah, yeah

2005-05-11T08:01:00.000-05:00

I’ve come to save the you from yourself.

I’ve grown tired of trying to catch up on the Ominous Signs stuff, and this whole crumbling economy thing is really only funny to me. So here is the gist.

Start being more financially defensive. Save up some cash. Put away the credit cards, and don’t charge them up on this summer’s vacations. Pay off your high interest debt, because interest rates are going up soon. Way up. Learn what your means is and live within it.

Here is my opinion on time and money. The more you worry about it, the less you’ll have. Less is more. Les Moore lives in Austin, TX.

I think a line from Ziggy Marley’s “Dragonfly” is appropriate:

“everybody's worried about time
but i just keep that sh** off my mind
people living on twenty four hour clocks
but we're on a ride that never stops”

Love your love with all of your love.

What?

Life with Jay

2005-05-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Some VERY helpful words to help knowledge from my Durango Brother Jay.

Life with Jay

I've Come to Save the Annoying Friendship

2005-05-10T07:30:00.000-05:00

How do I tell my annoying friend he's always wrong and does NOT have all the answers?

With love,

loving blanca

The next question is from a person(?) named blanca from who resides in beautiful Earth, The Universe.

Sco—I mean blanca, this is what you should do. You sit down with your annoying friend. Not too close though, you homo. It is important that you make sure you both have a beer, unless he doesn’t drink. In that case, you’ll have to have both beers.

Then you say this (and say this word for word):

“Shayne, I love you. You know the Earth and other worlds like no other human super. However, there is something I have to tell you. I hate you. You don’t know Ess ach eye double hockey sticks—I mean tea. When I said I love you just a moment ago, I was trying to make you laugh so that you won’t cry when you discover you are a moron. And annoying. And pretty ugly. But other than that, you can’t drive or sing. Just kidding. I love you.”

Try that, dear anonymous reader not named Frankie, Carl or Melissa. If that doesn’t work, try not being around when you friend isn’t looking. Or when he is looking. Either way you’ll get the job done.

Have you been to Seattle? I like it.

Stupid unbeach

2005-05-09T13:45:00.000-05:00

We’re leaving for the beach Friday. Today is not Friday, and my cube is not the beach. At least there is no sand. Not much.

Someone should write a book—or at least a lengthy essay—on how times moves so slowly at work when you’re leaving for the beach in 4 days. Any volunteers? Jay?

I just had the worst lunch ever, and it is Doug’s fault.

I'm listening to Ray Wylie Hubbard in CASE you wanted to know..

Ominous Signs at the Periphery VIII

2005-05-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

from April 19

Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack

Associated Press
New Home Construction Posts Big Decline
Tuesday April 19, 10:43 am ET
By Martin Crutsinger, AP Economics Writer
New Home Construction Posts Biggest Decline in 14 Years; Wholesale Inflation Shoots Up

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Inflation at the wholesale level, propelled by a surge in the price of gasoline and other energy products, shot up 0.7 percent in March while construction of new homes and apartments fell by 17.6 percent, the biggest decline in 14 years.

The Commerce Department reported Tuesday that builders started construction onnew homes and apartments at a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 1.84 million unitsin March, down from 2.23 million units in February.

While analysts had been expecting a decline in housing, the steepness of the drop,the biggest plunge since January 1991, caught them by surprise.